San Francisco Chronicle - (Sunday)
Experts give advice on making this year special
Laura Heitkam isn’t asking her daughter to bring her usual sweet potato casserole to their holiday celebration this year, but something else: negative COVID19 tests for her family of five.
She said she doesn’t feel bad about this request. While Heitkam, who lives in Chico, is in her daughter’s family “bubble,” her husband, Patrick, a cancer survivor, isn’t.
“It feels strange to ask them to do that, but it’s a strange year,” Heitkam said.
For her part, Heitkam’s daughter Claire Thompson, who lives in the East Bay, isn’t fazed by the request.
“It makes sense, and I’d do the same thing if we were gathering at my house,” Thompson said.
This year, to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not to mention most California counties, are urging smaller holiday celebrations, limiting air and car travel and marking the holidays with only immediate family and household members.
While that makes it much more likely to avoid the coronavirus, it will have an impact on most holiday traditions and that can seem discouraging to many people.
“Traditions are critical,” said Lafayettebased psychiatrist Dr. David Kan. “If you look through history, traditions were created for good times and bad. Traditions carry on through the generations and create an institutional memory of a time that was not pleasant — but we persisted nonetheless.”
But he and many other mental health experts say this different
» “Pack up the kids or whoever is in your immediate family in the car, bring cocoa and snacks and drive around and see decorated homes.” Sandy Young, manager of admissions and social service at John Muir Medical Center in the East Bay
holiday doesn’t have to be gloom and doom, and technology can be a big help.
“Enduring narratives within families are precious,” he said. “Traditions can be conscious or accidental. I think of virtual Passover seders, wishing my grandfather a happy 101th birthday [ on Zoom] even if we couldn’t be present, those are things that endure. Human connection is critical, even if we cannot be together.”
Stephanie Leong, the Kaiser Permanente Infection Prevention Program Manager in South San Francisco, agrees. She laughs when talking about how she taught her grandmother how to use FaceTime on her iPhone.
“Now she can talk with and see others in our family that we can’t be with during the holidays,” Leong said.
She also said that calling older relatives often during the season can help with any sadness that can creep in by not being together.
Sandy Young, manager of admissions and social service at John Muir Medical Center in the East Bay, agrees.
“Some traditions, like making cookies together or opening presents, can be done via Zoom or FaceTime,” she said.
This year is also a time to create new traditions, she said, and “do” the holidays a little differently. One thing families can do is “go crazy” decorating their homes, especially outside.
“Kids especially love lots of decorations,” she said.
Or if they will let you, dress up pets in holiday attire and take pictures to send to friends or post on social media.
There are other things thing families can do to enjoy the holidays, she said.
“Pack up the kids or whoever is in your immediate family in the car, bring cocoa and snacks and drive around and see decorated homes,” Young said. “There are many neighborhoods in northern California that go crazy with decorations. It’s a fun experience for everyone.”
She also suggests going outdoors on walks, hikes or bike rides, weather permitting, to decompress from the stress of the holidays.
In fact, she said, find the silver lining in the pandemic.
“Take a holiday from stress this year,” she said. “It’s a time to say ‘ no,’ to obligations, especially if you have fears about the safety of events.”
There will be not be as many school obligations this year, as many concerts and choir performances won’t be happening because of distance learning. Social gatherings will be fewer and smaller. And families can limit the visitors to their homes.
Thompson, a mother of three boys ages 11, 7 and 3, also said that this year, it’s OK to be different.
“I told the kids the only holiday rule this year is there are no rules,” she said. “We usually don’t put Christmas decorations
up until after Thanksgiving. But my youngest son was fascinated by an artificial tree he saw in a store, so I said, ‘ Why not?’ and we put it up in their playroom. They had a great time decorating it and singing Christmas carols. Then we all had hot chocolate and watched ‘ Elf’ on TV. It’s a memory we’ll have for a long time!”
A major drawback of this year COVIDbitten season is that it can cause more holiday blues than usual. Both Young and Leong suggest trying to find ways to give back to the community, such as writing Christmas or Hanukkah cards to first responders, sending handwritten cards to special friends
or elderly neighbors or residents of nursing homes — many of whom haven’t been able to see their families for months.
Seeing if local food banks and homeless shelters need assistance is one way Young’s family celebrates the holidays.
“Drivebys” are also fun if you can’t see a lovedone in person, Young said, where you can at least wave to a friend or relative to show you care.
The 2020 holiday season will be marked by thousands of new traditions for families, and some will stick around for generations to come. But the most important gift you can give is to keep you, your family and friends safe.