San Francisco Chronicle - (Sunday)
Beathard treasures late brother’s gifts
Before he leaves the locker room for warmups Sunday, C. J. Beathard will read, yet again, the best of the many text messages he received from his younger brother, Clay.
It’s been a pregame ritual this season for the 49ers quarterback, who will make his second straight start in the regularseason finale against the Seahawks. But Beathard, 27, has read some of these lengthy texts, words of encouragement, wisdom and love, nearly every day in his first year without Clay, the other quarterback in their family of seven.
His favorite is the text Clay sent after C. J. threw a gamesealing interception in a twopoint loss to the Chargers in September 2018. The younger brother and old soul counseled C. J. to find his identity in his Christian faith, not in stinging criticism or fleeting praise. There was more, much more — C. J. jokes that Clay basically wrote a book — but it was so impactful because of the affirming message at its heart that was largely implied.
“He was really talking about me and how proud he was of me,” Beathard said. “It was really the best text I’ve gotten from anybody.”
Beathard’s grief has lessened since Clay, 22, and his friend Paul Trapeni III, 21, were stabbed to death outside a Nashville bar on Dec. 21, 2019, a tragedy that left him unable to sleep or eat for a week. However, he knows sorrow will stick with him, much like the tattoo he, Clay and their older brother, Tucker, each had inked on their chest. The tattoo reads, “Psalm 27: 1.” The verse says, in part: “The Lord is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear?”
“Clay showed me that he loved me by the way he lived his life and the way he talked to me.” C. J. Beathard, on his late brother
Beathard credits his faith for his ability to take halting steps out of darkness. His faith, he says, explains why his rage and desire to exact revenge on Michael Mosley, the man who killed Clay, has disappeared. It’s been replaced by prayers for Mosley, who has been indicted by a grand jury, to experience “an awakening that changes his heart” and leads him to
“come to Christ.”
Mosley, who is claiming selfdefense, has pled not guilty to firstdegree murder charges.
Beathard has leaned on his belief that “the Lord works in mysterious ways” to make sense of Clay’s death and to grasp what possible purpose the killing of his kindhearted fellow quarterback, who was a junior at Long Island University, could serve.
Those words about mysterious ways aren’t found in the Bible, but are inspired by an 18th century poem, “Light Shining Out of Darkness.” Beathard says Clay’s passing has bolstered his beliefs. And has better equipped him to live out what he views as his life’s purpose, to serve as a light and testimony to others, particularly those in pain.
He doesn’t think it’s an accident that there’s suddenly a spotlight on him after he spent 26 months in the shadows, mostly as a thirdstring QB. And he views it as a gift that he’s experiencing the best moment of his rocky, fourseason NFL career during a time of year that he knows will always inspire the most intense grief.
On Dec. 21, the oneyear anniversary of Clay’s death, head coach Kyle Shanahan told Beathard he’d make his first start since October 2018 in five days against the Cardinals.
Beathard’s last start had come against the Cardinals in 2018. It was an 1815 loss in which Beathard suffered a thumb injury and was replaced the next week by Nick Mullens, who didn’t relinquish Beathard’s job.
It was the low point of Beathard’s career. And it inspired another long text from Clay, who advised his brother to prepare for his next opportunity and cherish other blessings, such as his longtime girlfriend, Madelyn, and their daughter, Lyla, now 4.
Wrote Clay: “Find peace and train yourself to flip your switch at the right time when you’re playing. Right now, you’re not. So let what happens, happen. You get to come home to your daughter, Lyla, every day …”
Said Beathard: “Clay couldn’t have been more right on. Over the last two years, as tough as it is being a No. 3 and not playing, it’s so true. The fact of the matter is, I’m not playing right now. So I can’t let that get to me. I can’t do anything about that. So I’m going to go about each day and work my butt off and have fun. And when my times comes again, flip that switch and be ready to go.”
Beathard was ready to go. On Dec. 26, in a game he entered with a 19 career record, he helped lead a 2012 upset win over Arizona in which he had career highs in touchdown passes ( three) and passer rating ( 125.4).
After the game, Beathard spoke with reporters wearing a black jacket that had been a gift from Clay’s pastor in New York. On the right side of the jacket, “King,” which was Clay’s middle name, was inscribed. On the left side was a picture of Clay.
Beathard cried when he received the jacket. And the tears can still flow when he sees pictures or watches videos that include Clay.
He is not healed. He never will be.
But he’s found something that helps is to help others.
He still needs help to get through difficult days, but even now, in the early stages of his grief, he’s started to send messages to those he loves spelling out why he loves them.
It’s inspired by his younger brother, whose messages he’ll read, yet again, in the locker room before kickoff Sunday.
They are a gift he left C. J., who believes light can emerge, slowly, from the darkest places.
“Clay showed me that he loved me by the way he lived his life and the way he talked to me,” Beathard said. “He didn’t have to send those texts. But I read them almost every day. As little as it may seem, those things go a long way. That may be the biggest thing I’ve learned.”