San Francisco Chronicle - (Sunday)
This is what it’s like to be a chef with ADHD
Understanding his disorder unlocked the door to taking charge in the kitchen
“When I stepped into my first professional kitchen at 13, the adrenaline rush was like nothing I had ever experienced. If only I had known then how much more challenging it would be for me to succeed compared to my neurotypical peers.”
Anyone who has seen “The Bear” or read “Kitchen Confidential” can picture the organized chaos of a restaurant kitchen. Many romanticize the chef as the wild, creative genius — sleeves rolled up, hair slicked back, manically chopping herbs and spinning sauces like an avant garde painter.
That’s why there’s a common perception that having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) would be a benefit in restaurants. In reality, most chefs I admire are diligent and focused. Kitchens are meticulously organized. Fast. Efficient.
I’m a Bay Area chef who has struggled with ADHD for my entire life. For many years, working at a high level in a professional kitchen felt out of reach. But eventually I learned how to carve out success on my own terms.
ADHD is one of the most common developmental disorders, with symptoms such as impulsivity, inability to focus, hyperactivity and mood swings. I was first diagnosed after my third grade teacher recommended me for testing. Throughout school, I was the loud, messy kid that spoke out of turn and turned in his homework late, if at all. I had trouble maintaining meaningful relationships because of my inability to pick up on more nuanced social cues. I was miserable every day, and ultimately dropped out of high school.
Growing up, I frequently had to cook dinner for myself as my parents worked late. I devoured books about cooking professionally, and thought that the fast pace and physicality of a kitchen would be a safe space for me to flourish. So I attended a program at the Culinary Institute of America, which opened a lot of doors for me at restaurants. It did not, however, help me address my ADHD in a meaningful way.
When I stepped into my first professional kitchen at 13, the adrenaline rush was like nothing I had ever experienced. If only I had known then how much more challenging it would be for me to succeed compared to my neurotypical peers.
Chefs I idolized yelled at me, kicked me, threw plates at me and whispered some of the most heinous, soul-sucking words into my ear. Unfortunately, this treatment doesn’t make me unique. Chefs misconstrued my ADHD as inexperience or lack of natural skill. I was unorganized, undisciplined and very bad at time management. My fear of failure would cause me to panic and make my symptoms even worse.
I tried to address these problems by hyperfocusing. I wrote my prep list down to the minute: Shallot brunoise 11-11:05 a.m.; clean artichokes 1-1:45 p.m.; put away produce 2-2:22 p.m. Then I rewrote the list, including what ingredients to set aside, what equipment to use and where it was located.
But I was never able to multitask in the same way as my peers. Multitasking in the mind of someone with ADHD is more often expressed as frequently stopping a project to start or continue another one. I would feel myself lose interest or have difficulty maintaining focus during a long project. So I would start on something else. Have you ever cleaned your house by trying to fold laundry, take out the trash and sweep your floor at the same time? Sure, you move around the room from project to project in a circle, but it is much quicker to finish one at a time.
By the end of the night, I’d be mentally and physically exhausted. So I’d turn to drinking to try to cope with the frustration of failing, and then the next morning I’d be even worse.
When I’d ask my colleagues for advice, they’d tell me to work smarter, not harder. They would watch me start and stop projects as I ran from one side of the kitchen because I forgot a spoon or left a container open. I often performed so poorly, I was either ignored or outright fired.
When I was fired, the chefs compared my performance against the same benchmarks set for the other cooks:
Was your mise en place completed as instructed? Was your station organized at the end of the night? Did you remember to do what the chef asked you to do after service?
My dream to become a chef always felt so far out of reach. No matter how sharp my knives were or how many times I rewrote my prep list, I never felt like I was able to competently set up a station on a busy night.
I’m still working through a lot of the trauma I experienced in the early days of my career. I bullied myself for years believing that I was genuinely bad at cooking. Every day felt like an emotional and physical failure. The most frustrating thing was feeling as though I wasn’t in control of my own mind.
Who succeeds in kitchens? Most would think you’d need technical skill, a tenacious attitude and the drive to put in extra hours. But I think something much more fundamental is at play: Are you organized? How much repetition do you need to create a behavioral pattern? How easily are you distracted? The same skills that make a great student in an academic setting happen to make great cooks.
But success is multifaceted, and despite my disorder, I am still a straight, cisgendered, white male. I move around kitchens with a level of comfort and privilege that others can’t, and it’s important to acknowledge that as the culture in fine dining continues to evolve.
I’m grateful to have had such understanding mentors such as Stuart Brioza and Nicole Krasinski from The Progress and Daniel Evers from Itria who helped guide me and allowed me to be myself in the kitchen.
Over time, through a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and some coaching from fellow chefs who also struggle with ADHD, I began to recognize that understanding my ADHD was the key to realizing my goal of becoming a chef. I am proud to say that I have been the executive souschef of a Michelin-starred restaurant. I’ve helped open two restaurants. I’ve served as the opening executive chef of a popular wine bar. My food has been featured in Eater, Star Chefs and this very newspaper, and most importantly, I finally feel like I can advocate for myself and disclose my disorder to my peers.
So how did I do it? Here are some coping mechanisms I developed to keep my ADHD in check at work.
• Don’t be hungover. This may seem obvious, but daily essentials that most of us might take for granted such as eating before work and drinking enough water has really helped me maintain focus for 12+ hour shifts. Mood swings, distractibility and forgetfulness are much worse when you are tired, dehydrated and hungry.
• Write a prep list for your day, twice. When anxiety and adrenaline kick in, it’s challenging to sort out what tasks are the highest priority.
“Over time, through a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and some coaching from fellow chefs who also struggle with ADHD, I began to recognize that understanding my ADHD was the key to realizing my goal of becoming a chef.”
Write down everything you need to do and color code it. Then, rank each item with respect to cook time and prep time. This is where experience comes into play — for instance, a braise should get started first.
• Multitasking is a myth. Start a project with the intent of only stopping when it is completed. If it takes more than 20 minutes, break it into pieces. Only start multiple projects at the same time if they don’t all require continuous, active attention.
• Don't be the DJ. Everyone loves setting the mood for the day, but I could spend way too much time trying to make the perfect playlist instead of powering through the day’s to-do list. Music is particularly helpful for the more mundane tasks such as dishes, organizing the walk-in, or bulk prep projects. But when you need to actively concentrate, music can be counterproductive, especially when you have to keep changing the song.
• Write everything down.
Don’t rely on verbal communication. It’s easy to miss important details because there was a dog barking outside or someone had a shiny watch. You laugh, but it’s true. Use multicolored Post-it Notes and provide a different meaning for each color. (Yellow: do today; orange: ask later; green: order for tomorrow.)
• Mindfulness is key .To get faster, you have to stay focused. Every time a distracting thought comes to mind, evaluate if it is something you should address immediately. If it is, write it down, but return right back to your original task. When other distracting thoughts come to mind, take a deep breath, hold onto the thought for a few seconds, absorb the message your brain is trying to send and exhale slowly.
• Time dilation is real.
Get a watch. For any task that takes longer than 30 minutes, keep an eye on a timer.
• Don't pull the ladder up behind you. If you can help someone overcome a problem in a way that teaches them to be better, do it. Every skill in the kitchen is teachable, and the more people on the team who are competent, the better the team is.
I’ve been the worst cook in the kitchen and the best cook in the kitchen. I understand the feeling of struggling without a lifeline. Kitchens at any level can feel cutthroat; they take a one-size-fits-all approach to teaching, and if you don’t have a learning style that fits in that model, you often get left behind. Although I don’t have many regrets about my journey, I wish I had tried to advocate for myself more.
My goal is to open a restaurant and be a better guide to the next generation of cooks. My ADHD isn’t cured; it never will be. However, I’ve begun to redefine my perception of myself. Learning to understand my ADHD has helped me become a stronger and more confident chef.