A few tips for getting to the top in S.F. society

If San Francisco ever changes its civic seal, I have a suggestion: an open checkbook.

Your status in “society” is determined by participation in events such as the Homeless Prenatal Program or Tipping Point fundraising efforts, or the UCSF hospital building program, or your purchase of hearts at the San Francisco General Hospital luncheon.

Your second societal avenues are the cultural organizations, whether it’s the Museum of Modern Art, the Museum of the African Diaspora or the de Young, the California Academy of Sciences, the Opera, the Symphony, the Ballet, the Contemporary Jewish Museum or the Asian Art Museum.

Another track is to get your name on the ticket list

of an Allison Speer-hosted commercial opening of a downtown jewelry palace or watering hole.

All these events are covered by The Chronicle’s B. G. & Z., also known as Catherine Bigelow, Leah Garchik and Carolyne Zinko. The extent of their coverage, and your name stamped in bold, automatically elevate one to the societal status that might get you in the Nob Hill Gazette or 7x7 or on a VIP list of the Academy of Art University’s graduation.

You know you’re on the A-list when a full name is not needed. When they say Denise, you know it’s Hale. Say Stanlee, you know it’s Gatti. And when they say Ann or Gordon, you know it’s oil.

Finally there is politics – the ultimate blood sport. Just about any elected office will get you included on every one of the above lists.

So now you know why some of us run for public office.

What makes this city truly great is that you don’t have to be born lucky to play the game. Just remember to bring your checkbook.

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The November election has started sooner than any presidential race I can remember.

President Obama has been in re-election mode since Jan. 1.

He’s finally joined in the campaign arena by the presumed Republican nominee, Willard Mitt Romney.

Newt Gingrich is tossing in the towel, although Newt’s exit has not been as clean as it needs to be.

Then again, Newt doesn’t have his “deal” yet. What deal might that be? I don’t know for sure, but I gotta believe it’s Cabinet level — if not better.

Will Ron Paul quit? Highly doubtful, unless somebody offers his son the senator, Rand Paul, something a father would be proud of.

For the rest of us, however, the next couple of months would frankly be a lot better if we could get a vacation from all of them until Labor Day.

Do we really need three months of Romney refusing to release his tax returns?

Man up, Willard, and let the public know that you are one high-earning dude with a genius tax preparer. After all, you are trying to sell us on your business acumen.

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Movie time. “Chimpanzee”: This documentary is worth seeing just for the use of automatic cameras.

The narration is absolutely perfect! It all makes for a movie as fascinating as “The Artist” without all the annoying people.

The question is, what should it get nominated for? Best picture? Or best documentary? And if it’s picture – which of the chimps will get the actor and actress nod?

“Think Like a Man”: Steve Harvey rules the court here. Five basketball players and their counterpart female foes make for one thoughtful, personal and beautiful movie.

It won’t win any awards, but it’s gonna make Harvey a very rich man.

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The whining about the 49ers leaving town hit new decibel levels with the recent stadium ground breaking in Santa Clara.

You can hear it in every bar and restaurant in town. I suspect some of these people didn’t even know what football was a year ago, but they’ve gotten into the vein because it’s almost like discussing the World Series.

I walked into Balboa, and these guys were arguing about whether it was my fault or my successor Gavin Newsom’s fault that the team left town.

Bet you can’t guess my answer.