With this stadium, who needs games?

My favorite features of the 49ers’ new Levi’s Stadium:

CigarLand, a plush indoor refuge for the cigar, pipe and medicinal marijuana (bring your prescription!) crowd. In keeping with the stadium’s recycling program, the smoke from CigarLand will be vented directly into the visitors’ dressing room.

Via text, fans can alert security to rowdy or annoying fans. Once identified by security monitors, the offending fan(s) will be tased remotely by electrical circuits built into each seat.

The Levi’s “Levi’s Hall of Fame.” Exhibits include the cryogenically frozen head of Levi Strauss, and a pair of Dockers worn by Abe Lincoln in the White House on casual Fridays.

In keeping with the stadium’s Earth-friendly ethos: recycled beer.

The stadium is under the landing path for jets at Mineta San Jose International Airport. Computer coordination with air-traffic controllers will ensure that when the 49ers are on offense, approaching jets will shut down their engines and glide to a landing.

The French Laundry concession stand, where chef Thomas Keller will create amazing 12course snack packs. Allow five hours for preparation.

In timeout huddles: wine tasting. 1As a nod to the team’s 49er roots, each restroom will feature a gold-panning sluice. Nuggets can be exchanged for concession items.

The lower bowl can be filled with water to a depth of 10 feet for swimming and rowing events, or when the opposing kicker is about to attempt a game-winning field goal. Using Silicon Valley technology, sensors in Jim Harbaugh’s cap will read his thoughts and transcribe them onto a free phone app.

Lions and tigers will be kept in a series of tunnels and cages under the field, then lifted by elevators through hidden trap doors and released onto the field. Wait, no, that’s the Roman Colosseum. Never mind.

Once per quarter, a random fan will be selected to send the 49ers an offensive play, via iPad. If the play results in a first down: free churros for the entire row!

Helicopter valet parking.