Women should deflect comments that go too far

Dear Miss Manners: Iam27 and have recently stepped back into the dating game. I have noticed an alarming trend: men commenting on women’s bodies on the first date.

Now, I do not mind a wellplaced compliment to a stranger, but I am deeply offended when men who do not know me feel they can comment on my curves or derriere.

I am casually dating, and so it disheartens me that inevitably the conversation turns to physical things. Is this inappropriate, or am I being overly sensitive? Gentle Reader: Your choice is between being considered “overly sensitive” by many others to the point where you even question yourself, or appearing to welcome vulgarity as a form of courtship.

That ladies should have to set the boundaries is a nuisance, Miss Manners admits. But not doing so long kept alive the idea that they were so pathetically eager to be judged attractive that they accepted as compliments catcalls on the street and other forms of what we now recognize as sexual harassment.

Practice a look of Shocked Disbelief. This is a wide-eyed stare, mouth slightly open, followed by a quick shake of the head as if to dislodge a mistaken impression. No words are necessary to make it clear that you did not accept the remark as a compliment. Dear Miss Manners: Last year, I asked my husband’s sister, who was having the family Thanksgiving dinner at her house, what I could bring. She insisted that it was easier for her to do it all herself and that we should just give her money.

I offered two more times to bring something, but she wanted only money. My husband did not agree and did not pay her when we ate at her house. When we arrived home, my husband’s other sister called, screaming at him for not paying up.

This year, we would like to avoid being treated like deadbeat customers. Should we politely decline without a reason, go along with paying for our dinner for the sake of family harmony, or say we will come if we can participate as family members? Gentle Reader: It can’t be easy to achieve harmony in a family where screaming and charging for dinner pass for acceptable behavior.

Miss Manners doubts that your relatives are able to see the crucial difference between helping to cook for a family gathering and paying admission to attend it. In the future, it would be good to give the dinner yourself, setting an example of hospitality.

This year, she suggests that you offer to do the grocery shopping, asking your sister-in-law for a list, and refusing even partial payment on the grounds that you wouldn’t feel right charging family or friends. Dear Miss Manners: My dad has married someone close to me in age, and I am uncomfortable introducing her as my stepmom. I also don’t think it’s right to introduce her as my dad’s wife. What should I say when introducing her? Gentle Reader: Are you hoping for a passable way to say, “That’s Peaches, who’s made a fool of my father”?

There isn’t one. You needn’t call her your stepmother, but you do have to acknowledge that she is your father’s wife. This is a legal definition, not a matter of your deciding whether it is right or wrong. If you want to be cold, and Miss Manners gathers that you do, you could introduce her as Mrs. with her surname.