Pining for the days of bad behavior
Sigh. I miss the good old days when I could be a real sports columnist. Feet up on desk, hands locked behind head, cigar stub clenched in shark’s teeth, waiting for the copy boy to rush in with the latest crime news involving our Bay Area miscreants.
In press boxes, I would bask in the envious glances of scribes from other towns who could only dream of having the wealth of material I waded in.
Now? The Bay Area leads the sports world in positive role models. It snuck up on us.
The 49ers kept the action alive for a few years with one gruesome tale after another, but now that team is a dying ember of hot crime stories. It’s not that the 49ers got religion, more like they ran out of bail money and had to hire some solid citizens.
What’s left? Surveying the bleak landscape, all you see are good guys doing good stuff.
The rest of the sports world is thriving with a steady supply of whiners, bad apples, criminals, gunslingers, drunk drivers, ball deflaters, party boys, clubhouse cancers, quitters, strip-clubbers, holdouts and crybabies.
Remember when we had coach killers? Latrell Sprewell, I turn my lonely eyes to you, boo-hoo-hoo. Instead of coach killers, we have killer coaches. Steve Kerr? Ridiculous. Would
it be too much for Kerr to take a random cheap shot at one of his players, just to show ’em who’s boss? Don Nelson, please pick up the white courtesy megaphone.
Warriors? You mean the Golden State Goody-goodies? Stephen Curry, if you read about him making it rain, it will mean one of two things: Either he wildly over-tipped the barista at Starbucks, or he hired a cloud-seeding plane, flew it over the Bay Area and made it rain.
Even old reliable money can’t corrupt our good guys. Madison Bumgarner is the most underpaid person in sports, not counting NFL cheerleaders and yours truly. MadBum is paid like a bullpen mop-up man, but he stubbornly refuses to gripe about it or hold out, even when the Giants make him do bullpen mop-up work.
I hate to keep mentioning Sprewell, but remember when he laughed at a $27 million contract offer (from another team, but he’ll always be our guy) because it wasn’t enough to feed his kids? Where’s that spirit now? Harrison Barnes, can we count on you? Barnes just turned down a $64 million offer! Yes! But no. Take this to the bank: The Black Falcon soon will ink a pact with the Warriors, hugging it up with Joe and Bob and Steve and the boyz.
Colin Kaepernick, I know a lot of folks want to dislike him, but he’s working cheap on purpose, having signed a team-friendly contract, no haggling. You might not like his skills, but Kaepernick’s a team man to the core, rhymes with snore.
Colleges are a fertile ground for knuckleheadism, but here again the Bay Area is not pulling its weight. We can’t carry Florida State’s jock.
Quarterbacks can be so helpful to a struggling columnist. Jared Goff, it would be easy for him to spice up our lives by cheating on a test or trading his autograph for gummy bears.
Goff ’s head coach, Sonny Dykes, told Sports Illustrated, “He’s never stolen crab legs, any kind of that stuff. You don’t have to worry about all that with him.”
It’s Berkeley! Seafood markets on every corner, crab legs up the wazoo, and Goff can’t take one for the team?
College quarterbacks have so much potential as columnist-helpers, but Stanford’s Kevin Hogan is just as clueless as Goff. I blame it on the legacy of Andrew Luck and Jim Plunkett.
Remember when the Bay Area was ’Roids R Us? The Giants were so hulked up, they got stuck in the dugout tunnel. In the A’s clubhouse, if a teammate said, “I’ve got your back,” he was holding a needle. On the Peninsula, the evil Dr. Conte was juicing the sports world.
Now? The anemic Giants and A’s eke out a home run every week or so. Victor Conte has flipped and become the Deputy Dawg of drug cheating.
Steroids? Look around. The Giants feature players like Matt Duffy and Kelby Tomlinson, who clearly do too much bar-hopping ... at salad bars. Hey, Duffman, sneak a few handfuls of whatever you feed your cat.
Everywhere you look, nothing but solid citizens. Barry Zito helping wounded soldiers. Tim Flannery crooning on behalf of wounded fans. Josh Osich, his goal in life to become a park ranger, protecting our squirrels and bears. Stephen Vogt and his wife hanging out at a local high school for specialneeds kids.
Maybe it’s just a phase we’re going through here in the Bay Area. Where’s that damn copy boy?
Great. Perfect. My cigar just went out.