AIRLINES BUY YOUR LOVE WITH A BAG OF CRACKERS.

If the idea of battling long lines and strapping yourself into a shoebox-size coach-class airline seat for five hours fills you with dread, United and American airlines are about to make it all better.

With a halfounce bag of crackers. For free.

Both airlines made headlines this month related to bringing back a free snack for main-cabin passengers, an amenity that according to United officials will “uplift the inflight experience.” The timing isn’t coincidental: The top four domestic airlines saved a combined $11.1 billion from January through September on lower fuel costs, according to CNN Money, which is driving record profits.

Given the choice, however, we’re guessing there are a few other things passengers would rather bring back (not the least of which is dignity) from the era of friendlier skies than a tiny bag of cookies that’s gone in 45 seconds. Here’s our list:

Legroom: Give back the 2 inches we lost in 2004 (not to be confused with the 1½ inches that vanished in the ’90s and the inch or so that went missing in 2012). Supposedly, some of that room wasn’t actually lost, because the seats also got a bit thinner, but on some planes that meant no place to store in-flight necessities. Relief: How about more than two restrooms for the 200-plus people in coach? Nothing like trying to find a window of time to reach the bathroom between the food cart, the drink cart, the climb to cruising altitude, the turbulence and the 12 howling infants that all need changing. Oh, and don’t congregate around the galley. Police the bags: You have firm rules on what a carryon bag is — now enforce them. Right now, the airlines would rather let passengers battle with each other for overhead bin space — and double the time it should take to load the plane — than have gate agents say no. Simple rewards: It’s difficult to see the value in loyalty points programs if you have to hire a team of engineers from MIT to decipher the rules. Points seem to be based on miles divided by dollars spent, multiplied by the square root of the number of GOP presidential candidates. The good news is you can use them to get free snacks. Oh, wait. Never mind.