Too late again to pack up jokes in crate again?
“I’ve seen Trump’s face be white, red and orange,” says Dan St. Paul. “Is he the new Homeland Security advisory system?” And then David Gardner, who’d spent two weeks binge-watching “Game of Thrones” from the beginning of the series, says he was shocked to see the headline in The Chronicle one day last week: “Hodor will help fend off Trump.” (“Alas, it was just Eric Holder and my blurry eyes,” he realized.) And D. Marc Capobianco suggests that the new commander-in-chief be referred to as “Trump Dong Un.”
So the Trump lines, jokes, wisecracks, insults and observations keep pouring in, with many Americans who were part of the majority that voted for the other candidate turning to wordplay as an alternative to beating their heads against a wall. “We’re getting in shape to fight Trump,” is the overheard Scott Mattoon sent from his Pilates class at the Berkeley YMCA.
I can see that this is going to be a four-year-long slog — unless there’s an impeachment. So today I’m going to try to burn off — as forest firefighters set backfires in hopes of slowing the main one — one avenue for wisecracks.
At the post office at 20th and Geary, Adda Dada spotted Charles Neal wearing a T-shirt he’d bought at the Strand Book Store in New York: “Make America Read Again.” A worthy sentiment, of course, but just a bit outside of the mainstream, which I am trying my damnedest to dam, of rhymes for the original “Make America Great Again.” So here it goes:
Make America 8 again (discount sugary sodas for third-graders), make America straight again (the vice president insists), bait again (abolish fishing regulations), plait again (Afros banned), wait again (abstinence until marriage), date again (no harm in looking around) and mate again (“I do” may be repeated an infinite number of times), rate again (assigning of numerical values to women’s appearance), late again (remove funding from Planned Parenthood), pate again (what me? bald?) and hate again (no explanation necessary).
Is there anyone else who’s turned off by Oprah Winfrey making the talk show rounds promoting “Food, Health and Happiness,” her new book, while her ads for Weight Watchers bookend the interviews? (I think she looks good with glasses, though.) Oprah, you’re supposed to be our moral compass ... and honestly, we don’t care whether you’re large or small.
Matt Levin of the California newsletter CalMatters reports: “More white men named Jim are in the California Legislature than black and Asian-American women — combined.”
Streets of San Francisco: Add the name of Chris and two unidentified passersby to the city honor roll. Connie Christoff of Boulder, Colo., wrote to S.F. Travel to say she and her husband were on their way to the airport with four pieces of luggage in their rented car when they stopped to walk along the Embarcadero.
Their walk was interrupted by a call from the police saying their rental car had been broken into — but the break-in had been witnessed by two men (one a retired police officer), who chased the thieves and caused them to drop three of the bags. The next day, after flying out of San Francisco, they were contacted by Chris, who’d found the fourth bag — abandoned when the thieves found nothing in it they wanted — and subsequently returned it to them by UPS.
Christoff wrote that she is “basking in warm memories of angels” who helped retrieve the bags, and this story was sent by S.F. Travel, which promotes tourism in the city. I dunno. Seems to me the ideal is to travel in a place where cars are left alone.
When she got off work at midnight on New Year’s Eve, bartender Kristi Higgins of Max’s Opera Cafe started walking down Van Ness Avenue to meet some friends at Bender’s. Overjoyed to see two cabs parked in front of the War Memorial building, she ran up to the first and knocked on the window. It was empty.
When she ran to the second, reports Diedra O’Merde, “up from the back seat popped two heads.” She was so startled she turned to leave, but “they laughed, blushed, and explained they were a cabbie couple sharing a New Year’s kiss.” The woman ran back to her own cab and drove Higgins home.