Tips to speed up the action
To speed up this column, I have removed all thoughts that might give the reader pause, and eliminated annoying punctuation marks (#NoSemicolons!!).
It’s all about pace. There has been a lot of chatter about speeding up baseball. Some say baseball has become so slow that it is losing popularity. Others say, “What’s baseball?”
The conversation has expanded to other sports. I can help. Some suggestions:
Baseball: You don’t want to take away the charming quirks and habits of pitchers and batters, just make them more aware that some of us are falling asleep. For pitchers, the new rule is: You lose anything you take off. If you remove your cap to mop the sweat, or take off your glove to rub up the ball, you must surrender those items.
Batters, if you step outside the box, you can’t get back in. You must bat from outside the box. If that makes you vulnerable to outside pitches, you should’ve brought a longer bat.
MLB is mulling a proposal to quicken extra-inning games by starting each extra half-inning with a runner on second base. Purists howl, but I have a solution everyone would love. Have this designated runner be a trained monkey. How cute would that be? Come on!
Football: The TV commercials are too long, gumming up the game’s momentum, but you need the sponsors. So eliminate the regular TV commercials and sell the field to advertisers, who would purchase the yard lines.
Smith takes the handoff, breaks free at the Budweiser 30, cuts back at the Chevrolet 20, shakes off a tackler at the Doritos 10 and waltzes into the Cialis end zone!
Golf: You can take as long as you want to line up, plan and execute your shot, but after 20 seconds, the “Quiet please!” sticks come down and the folks in the gallery can do whatever they please — heckle, snap photos, yell encouragement, play bagpipes, tuba, pass gas, slurp beer. Basketball: One point deducted for every teammate’s hand you slap after you miss a free throw.