Ken McNeely, Inder Dhillon, Kabir and Meera McNeely
When Ken McNeely, the president of AT&T California, and dermatologist Inder Dhillon met via computer 17 years ago — using Yahoo personals, before online dating was cool — they were seeking someone to build a future with. But building a family?
For McNeely, 55, who’d grown up gay in North Carolina, and Dhillon, 56, in India, it seemed out of the question — until their perspectives began to shift. In San Francisco, they found a community that embraces difference, and a mayor who, in 2004, directed the city clerk to issue same-sex marriage licenses, until he was stopped by the courts.
“I saw that it was something that I wanted, once I was here — to have a family and raise children with a spouse,” McNeely said.
“Our siblings had children, so there was no reason why we shouldn’t have children,” Dhillon said.
The couple, married in 2013 by then-state Attorney General Kamala Harris, became fathers through private adoption. Their son, Kabir, 12, was born in St. Louis. Their daughter, Meera, 10, was born outside Seattle. Both men were in the delivery room for each child’s birth.
Parenthood “is the toughest job I’ve ever had,” McNeely said, “and I’ve had some tough jobs. You go by instinct and what you’ve learned growing up in your family. It is challenging and rewarding at the same time.”
The two dads have learned to adjust to a momcentric world. When reading bedtime stories to their children, “We started substituting pappa and daddy for mommy, and talking about the obligations and the love of parents in a very gender-neutral way,” McNeely said.
At school, where moms are more likely to participate in field trips and classroom activities, they make a point of being active and visible, to show other kids that dads are active and involved in kids’ lives, too.
If they have taught their children, their children have also taught them.
“The greatest lesson I have learned,” said Dhillon, “is humility. We all have ideas of ourselves; we all think we are something special and gifted. Both Ken and I have been successful in our careers. Children don’t know about all that and don’t care about that. They just care about how you are as a human being.”
On a recent Saturday in their Pacific Heights kitchen, the family was elbow-deep in borax, Elmer’s glue, water, shaving cream and hand lotion — all the ingredients for homemade slime, a squishy (but not sticky) putty that kids like to play with. Meera could hardly contain her excitement as she squeezed the gelatinous mass with her fingers. Her more introspective brother, Kabir, who has performed with the American Conservatory Theater, came alive later when he battled a visitor to a game of pingpong.
McNeely and Dhillon make an effort to show their kids that it’s important for everyone to take on responsibilities around the house — cleaning, cooking, playing, hiking and being emotional together — without following gender stereotypes.
“After I became a father,” said Dhillon, “I started telling all the men in the family, ‘Get involved in the raising of your children — don’t just leave it to the wife. You’ll be rewarded far more than you think.’ ”
Parenthood “is the toughest job I’ve ever had, and I’ve had some tough jobs. You go by instinct and what you’ve learned growing up in your family. It is challenging and rewarding at the same time.” Ken McNeely