Free from hiding and despair at last
Coming out: Athletes, public lend support to former Cal star
After struggling with hiding his sexuality for most of his life, after overcoming suicidal thoughts and a painkiller addiction, after finally coming out publicly, former Cal and NFL offensive tackle Ryan O’Callaghan thumbed through the messages on his phone this week at his home in Redding.
There was one from a clergyman, telling O’Callaghan about how he was still closeted and had to hide his life. There was an email from the father
“When I was in the closet, all I ever thought of was my sexuality. ... Now, I don’t ever think about it. It’s just who I am.” Ryan O’Callaghan, former Cal and NFL offensive lineman
of a gay son, saying that his eyes had been opened, that he was going to give his relationship with his son another shot.
“I just know all the emails I’ve already gotten, and the difference that’s already been made,” O’Callaghan said in a phone interview Wednesday. “It’s just started.”
O’Callaghan, 33, came out privately to his close friends and family in 2011, but by sharing his story at Outsports. com this week, the six-year NFL veteran put his account of fear, anguish and suicidal thoughts before a broader audience.
Since then, he said, he’s only put his phone down twice, as he’s moved from comfortable spot to comfortable spot in his single-story rental house, trying to answer messages and interview requests while managing pain from a bad back, a bum shoulder (six surgeries) and a barely functional left groin (he’s missing two of the three major muscles) that put him on permanent disability from the NFL.
“Other athletes … reached out to me,” O’Callaghan said. “It’s been basically, just, ‘Thanks for standing up and speaking for the people who can’t.’ ”
The timing of the story during Pride month was coincidental, O’Callaghan said. And since its publication, he’s heard from a number of former teammates at Cal, where he was a star lineman and won the Pac-10’s Morris Trophy in 2005.
“They’ve been overwhelmingly supportive, offering, ‘Let me know if you need anything, let me know if you’re ever in town,’ ” O’Callaghan said.
On Wednesday, he sat down with Redding news anchor Mike Mangas to tell his story to the conservative community where he grew up. Mangas is a deacon in the Catholic church, and, O’Callaghan said, “He’s totally open. We did a sit-down, and it was 150 percent positive.”
While at school in liberal Berkeley, he avoided situations where the subject of his sexuality might arise “like the plague,” and never noticed same-sex couples in public.
“I was too focused on being someone else,” he said. “I was constantly trying to listen to what people are talking about. I was so worried about other things. I rarely ever actually lived in the moment.”
Two weeks ago, O’Callaghan flew to Los Angeles to film a companion video to the Outsports.com story, in the middle of L.A. Pride in North Hollywood. He didn’t notice samesex couples again, but this time for a different reason.
“I’ve been living as an out gay dude for a few years now, and I was in a 10-month relationship,” he said. “It’s, to me, it’s perfectly normal, because I’m gay. When I was in the closet, all I ever thought of was my sexuality.
“Now, I don’t ever think about it. It’s just who I am. I don’t remember seeing anyone kissing on the street during the day, but that’s probably why I don’t remember, because I don’t even think anything of it. It’s just normal.”
In October, he’ll return to Boston, where he was a Super Bowl offensive tackle, protecting Tom Brady, for a different kind of title game: the National Gay Flag Football League Super Bowl. It will be one of his first major group events since the story.
“The goal was to keep kids from killing themselves,” O’Callaghan said. “For the gay people that I reach, maybe someone can relate, and I can help as many people out as I possibly can.”