Not invited to wedding, not obligated to respond
Dear Miss Manners: Just when one thinks that the Wedding Industrial Complex cannot get any worse, it does. One of the latest trends is to suggest to brides- and grooms-to-be that it is a good thing to tell those whom they are not inviting to the wedding just why they are not being invited.
The explanation given is that the couple would adore to have you attend their wedding, but that their budget will not permit it. It is also suggested that to make the excluded feel included, they be invited to go along on expeditions to “help choose” the dress, the cake or whatever.
As the occasional recipient of such announcements, I would like your advice about how to respond. It seems churlish to say that you’re relieved, but it seems awkward to admit that your feelings are hurt.
Gentle Reader: The temptation to respond, “Oh, please don’t feel bad about this — I wouldn’t have gone anyway,” must be enormous.
Certainly that is a lot more tempting than going shopping with the bride, to watch her spend the money she saved by excluding you, and to help choose a cake of which you will not be offered a slice.
Miss Manners understands that it might sometimes be necessary to respond to pushy people who announce their intention of attending a wedding to which they have not been invited. Even then, pleading budget concerns is ugly, as an admission that the arrangements are more important than the people.
They should be told, “It’s a very small wedding — just family and a few close friends.” And no, that’s not a lie, because “small” and “close” are subject to interpretation. But to say, “Nyah, nyah, you’re not invited to my wedding” to people who were minding their own business is as mean as it is vulgar.
As no invitation was issued, no response is necessary. But you could reassure them that you are not devastated by saying cheerfully, “That’s quite all right.” And for the sake of form, Miss Manners hopes you will add your good wishes. Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend who is always looking for people to do things for him or go out of their way to drive him places. His excuse is that he has an old car and doesn’t feel that it will make it there.
He also asks me to have a party at my house and invite him over or take him to dinner or on a trip when I mention I am going somewhere, or asks me to buy him a drink when we are at the bar.
Would you say this individual is a freeloader? He probably does these things because in his mind he thinks I have a lot of money. Gentle Reader: He probably does these things because in his experience he knows you will comply. Miss Manners suggests that you solve your problem by not doing so. Dear Miss Manners: We’ve all been told “it’s not polite to stare.” But with the recent explosion of tattoos and body art on anybody and everybody, I’m wondering if that’s still the case.
Because most of the painted ladies (and men) have put lots of money into their backs, arms, calves, ankles, etc., is it now rude not to stare? If I felt that strongly about something that I would invest money and endure significant pain to display it on my body, I’d feel bad if people didn’t spend time examining me closely. Gentle Reader: Your reasoning troubles Miss Manners. If you had put huge amounts of money and endured great pain to have a hip replacement, would that make it polite for people to stare at that area of your body?