Wise to tell nonresponders when hosts have to cancel
Dear Miss Manners:
One sends out an RSVP invitation with a specific deadline, and then, because of poor response, the hosts want to cancel. Obviously the regrets do not need to be notified. Those accepting the invitation should be notified. A topic of debate within my household: Is the host under any obligation to notify those who did not respond?
Gentle Reader:
Your implicit frustration with those who do not respond to invitations would normally find a sympathetic listener in Miss Manners.
But she finds herself wondering instead about the “poor response” you cite in justification of revoking an invitation that has been both issued and, in some cases, accepted. To these people the host owes an apology, an explanation and, ideally, a replacement invitation.
Given how many people are in the habit of attending events to which they did not respond, it would be wise to warn the nonresponders as well, lest they appear on your doorstep expecting to be fed. In fact, you do not need to offer to feed them ever again.
Dear Miss Manners:
I just turned 12, and my friends were very nice, brought balloons and cookies to school. The next day, several of them asked me what I had gotten for my birthday.
I told them the truth — that it had been a pretty busy night and I hadn’t opened them yet — but I couldn’t help but think that the question was a little tactless.
It seems almost parallel to adults asking each other how much money they make. Am I wrong for thinking this, and what would be an appropriate response in the future?
Gentle Reader:
The difference is that your friends are not really asking for the complete catalog you are envisioning. Miss Manners assures you that they are expressing a conventional interest that can be answered with a conventional response: Express enthusiasm for all the wonderful gifts and name one, without suggesting that it is the best.
Dear Miss Manners:
When a relative and her children came over to dinner, the children didn’t like one particular dish they were served. When they asked their mother if they could be excused without eating it, she instructed them to bring it to me and say, “This is not to my taste.”
It was clear that the mother felt she was teaching them polite company manners, but I was baffled. What is the correct thing for children (and adults) to do when they do not want to eat what they have been served?
Gentle Reader:
What did the mother expect you to do? Take it back and apologize for the bad service? Of course they should have been instructed simply to leave the food uneaten and say nothing. Miss Manners gathers that the mother believes that the purpose of manners is to demonstrate consideration for oneself.
Dear Miss Manners:
My fiancee and I are debating about proper eating manners such as:
(1) Do I have to keep my mouth shut while chewing my food?
(2) Can I keep both or one elbow on the table while I eat?
Gentle Reader:
And here are two questions that Miss Manners asks you to consider:
(1) Do you want to have a happy marriage?
(2) Are you really interested in knowing how many mealtimes of watching you eat crudely (and remembering that you would not grant a simple request to improve) it will take to affect your fiancee’s romantic feelings?