A’s miss point with ballpark survey

The A’s and their president, Dave Kaval, have invited their fans to take an online survey about the ballpark the team is promising to build.

“Describe the ballpark as you would like to see it,” the survey says.

The answer to that is as simple as the request Henny Youngman, the late comedian, always made to a restaurant host: “I’d like a table near a waiter, please.”

Here’s what A’s fans want in a ballpark: They want a seat near a real baseball team.

Fans don’t care about the bells and whistles. They care about the team. They realize there is no guaranteed formula for building a competitive ballclub, but they are familiar with one formula that is almost guaranteed to fail: Build a team on a beer-league softball payroll.

Survey-takers are asked to rate, in order, the three prospective sites for the A’s new stadium: the Coliseum, Howard Terminal and Laney College.

Ludicrous. If the A’s haven’t nailed down a site by now, after years of intense study of possible locations, lord help ’em. The A’s have knowledgeable fans, but how many of them know where the jet-fuel lines are buried that would have to be moved? How many fans are conversant with various neighborhood objections or with wind currents? Raise your hand if you know all about the potential problems with Schnitzer Steel.

Asking fans to pick a site is like stopping random strangers on the street, showing them three photos and asking, “Which girl should I marry?”

If you want an informed decision, A’s, take 50,000 or so of your fans on a tour of the three sites, with input from engineers and politicians.

How’s this for a way to select the site? Get three people, dress them in costumes representing the three ballpark sites. At the next home game, have the three race around the foul lines. Winner is the site.

Just build a damn ballpark, A’s, somewhere in Oakland. Gussy it up with cute features, like restrooms and concession stands. Parking, maybe. Dugouts and stuff.

And put the seats near a real team.