How to not make a fool of yourself at karaoke

As someone who has no special talent for singing, I’m usually content with my lot. I love and appreciate music from the audience. While I sing all the time, I confine it to the shower, the car or the kitchen while I’m waiting for my coffee to brew.

This weekend, however, I’ll be stepping out of my comfort zone. I’ve agreed to go to a karaoke lounge in Japantown with a group of people who sing karaoke all the time. They’ve already informed me that I have to sing.

Singing karaoke with people who know what they’re doing can be a terrifying experience. To temper my anxiety, I started planning ahead this week: thinking about a song list, watching videos on YouTube, and canvassing for advice from other non-professionals like myself. In the spirit of sharing, I’ve listed some tips I’ve picked up below. See you onstage!

Embrace the obvious. Now is not the time to impress anyone with your encyclopedic knowledge of obscure bands or deep cuts. No one comes to a karaoke establishment to hear any artist’s B-sides — especially when they’re being sung out of tune.

Going all in on the big popular hits has two advantages.

The first advantage is that it’s a song that everyone in the room knows. People have memories associated with the songs they know. They may even have memories with their friends in the room. As soon as they start feeling emotional, they’ll sing along with you, and the next thing you know everyone is joining in. There is nothing more encouraging at karaoke than an entire audience acting as your backup track.

The second advantage for non-singers is that popular songs give you the chance to act. Say there’s a stanza with an ambitious progression. Do what you can, and then gloss over the rest by imitating the dancing or the onstage behavior of the lead singer when you’re onstage. Inevitably, there’s some over-the-top gesture for which he or she is known. The audience will love being reminded.

I’ve performed Guns N’ Roses at karaoke more than once, and the crowd has always been enthusiastic. It’s not because I can match the octaves of Axl Rose (an underrated vocalist, frankly). It’s because I imitate the famous “snake dance” he did in all of their music videos.

If you haven’t tried that in your mirror at home, why are you at karaoke?

Respect the range. Unless you practiced with a voice coach or grew up singing in church, keep your selections in the vocal range you can achieve.

Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Aretha Franklin, Christina Aguilera, Chaka Khan, Kelly Clarkson — these women can hit notes the rest of us can’t hit.

That’s why they’re famous, and we’re at the karaoke bar.

Be especially careful if you’ve never sung an entire song out loud before. There are plenty of international stars who have deceptively powerful skills in phrasing, rhythm and tonality. Those skills — easy to ignore when you’re belting out a song’s chorus in your car — become abundantly clear when you’re onstage with two stanzas to go.

For example: I once tried to sing David Bowie’s “Young Americans” and almost passed out onstage.

Also: I’ve never seen anyone get through an entire version of George Michael’s “Faith” unscathed.

This advice is doubly true for rap songs. Most people regard rap the same way they regard contemporary art — the easy choice, something anyone can do. None of this could be further from the truth. Keeping the beat over the course of hundreds of words is a game for professionals, not amateurs. I’ve watched many people learn the hard way.

Avoid the instrumental bridge. Say you’ve found a well-known song in a reasonable range — Glen Campbell’s “Wichita Lineman,” or Toto’s “Africa,” or Janet Jackson’s “When I Think of You.”

What is your plan for the instrumental bridge? Or, even worse, the guitar solo?

Unplanned airtime is deadly. While you’re tapping your toe, waiting out a studio musician’s spotlight grab, the audience is wincing. Unless you have some other way to keep their attention — like a dance routine — you’ll never get it back.

Many songs that would be otherwise excellent for non-singer’s karaoke have been ruined by these saggy midsections. Be alert and be prepared.

If all else fails, there’s Ringo. The best piece of karaoke advice I’ve ever gotten came from a dear friend and fellow non-singer: “Choose the Beatles songs that Ringo sang.”

This is genius. Everyone can, and should, sing along to “Yellow Submarine.”

No one comes to karaoke to hear any artist’s B-sides — especially when they’re being sung out of tune.