Bringing lost angels into the family fold
Nov. 1 is All Saints’ Day. The 13th is World Orphans Day, and November itself is Adoption Awareness Month.
There are more than 415,000 children in foster care in the United States, and a quarter of them are waiting to be adopted. The average child waits almost four years for a forever family. There are 140 million orphans in the world. One hundred and forty million lost angels.
Zane was adopted, as was Aidan. As were a lot of others who have walked through this column: Crazy Mike and his wife Jeanette, Tiny Tim, the SASB children. Knowing their stories tells me that foster care can be thankless. There’s a little tragedy in every orphan’s tale, and only sometimes does it end in triumph.
Brian and I have been fost-adoptive fathers for almost 15 years, and sometimes we need to be reminded of the joy. In between coaching soccer and arguing about whether the algebra homework was done, we forget that this creation of family is a miracle, that what we live for is that hour when the four of us sit at the kitchen table in the blue bungalow, an ever-changing pack of rescue dogs wagging their tails underneath.
Another such wonder is the story of Nicole and Kristan, a queer couple who wanted to adopt a kid. Their story, like ours, began with meeting in New Jersey. Nicole worked on a goat farm and made documentaries. Eventually they ran away with their dog to California. And when they got here, they thought about family, and, also like us, they decided to pursue fost-adoption.
Nicole and Kristan looked around, and there weren’t any how-to books, no “Foster Care for Dummies.” So they decided to film it. Nicole said, “When we started this process, we were hungry for knowledge . ... We decided to make the experience accessible for others. So instead of a documentary, we created a series, short and sweet, that you can watch on your coffee break.”
Those six episodes became “The F Word: A Foster-to-Adopt Story.” The PBS series first became available on Sept. 14, and it chronicles everything this couple did since deciding to foster, until the day they walked into the hospital. In the course of the journey, they babyproofed the house, filled out a thousand forms and, just like in real life, let a baby vomit down their arm.
Their story ends with a “happily ever after,” at least so far, in that three weeks ago they adopted their son. As Nicole told me, “I’m happy because our baby is happy. He’s thrilled by every discovery he makes in life. Adopting a child taught me how to live in the present.”
The family resides in Oakland, about which I am happy to report that Gertrude Stein was wrong. There is indeed a there there. In this case, their town helps them create a community that reflects diversity for their son, who is of black and Filipino descent. We talked about being white parents and what a narrow path we follow within honoring heritage without committing cultural appropriation. So even though their naming ceremony came from her Jewish roots, it included at the same time such flourishes as a Muslim song that honored the child’s birth history. That’s the exciting part of living in the 21st century. “I love the complexity of what we are trying to do, using a broken system to create family.”
And what’s next? Will there be a sequel to “The F Word”? Indeed, there will, but not just the story of raising their son. The narrative will continue the thread, wherein all the other voices, the triumphs and the failures of foster care, can be heard.
So here are just a few things you can do for Adoption Awareness Month (assuming that you are not adopting yourself ).
Watch “The F Word.” It’s funny and it’s serious and it’s real. It may even make you love Oakland. And family.
Crowdfund. Go to www.seedand spark.com and support two mother/ artists telling a great story.
Donate to organizations like Together We Rise or San Francisco CASA. Make it even simpler: Mattress Firm is always collecting donations for foster children.
Ask a local library to showcase books on adoption and foster care. I hear that “A Song for Lost Angels” is available, and not half-bad, if I do say so myself.
This can be a tough time of year. Invite a person who has aged out of the foster care system to spend Thanksgiving with your family.
Watch my sons for an hour.
“He’s thrilled by every discovery he makes in life. Adopting a child taught me how to live in the present.” Nicole, fost-adoptive parent