Take new model for a spin
The 49ers, in landing Jimmy Garoppolo, did not get themselves an Aston Martin. A Volvo station wagon, maybe.
The NFL’s only Aston Martin is Tom Brady.
The Patriots’ quarterback recently announced a partnership with the British highperformance sports-car company. Aston Martin will produce a dozen Tom Brady Signature cars, each featuring his autograph and “TB12” logo. No doubt each car will have eyeblack under the headlights. And self-deflating tires.
Brady succeeds James Bond as the pop superstar most closely associated with Aston Martin. Bond drove an Aston Martin in seven 007 films. Now it’s Brady. Funny, you’d think the guy likely to score a big endorsement deal with a spy-car company would be Bill Belichick. He would also be a great Bond villain: Dr. No Comment.
The TB12 will be part of Aston Martin’s “Vanquish S Volante” line. I plan to sue A-M for appropriating my rapper name, Van Kwish.
But enough about Brady. What about Mini He, Garoppolo? Can he save the 49ers?
His name is a good start. He’s not Jim or James or J.G. or Grappy. He’s Jimmy. Has there ever been a bad guy named Jimmy? Hoffa, maybe. Remember him? Disappeared under mysterious circumstances, kind of like Colin Kaepernick.
Jimmy, an excellent quarterback name, should be good for one or two wins per year, if he ever plays. Head coach Kyle Shanahan said he can’t guarantee Garoppolo will play this season. That’s like buying a new car and saying you won’t drive it until you clean out the garage.
Come on. If a TV star/golfer can transition to president of the United States in one day, it shouldn’t take nine months to ease Garoppolo into the driver’s seat of the 49ers’ Soap Box Derby car.
We’re learning that Shanahan doesn’t like to rush things. The 49ers are eight games into the season, and he hasn’t started coaching the offense.
Come on, Shanny. Tape that IHOP-menu playsheet to Jimmy G’s wrist and send him out there. He’ll be piloting a football team, not a Boeing 737. Give him a Popsicle stick and let him draw plays in the dirt.
When next season rolls around, you don’t want Garoppolo to still be reeking of that new-car smell.