When consent becomes more than just ‘yes’ or ‘no’
At 12 years old, I remember wanting to go out with a mini-jean skirt, my mother told me that it was fine, that it looked cute. My stepdad said that I wasn’t allowed. “But she’s just a girl,” she said. “She won’t be seen that way,” he replied. The interaction was confusing to me. What else would I be seen as but a girl?
Society constantly teaches women that we have to respect ourselves and our bodies, a message that for many parents, friends and loved ones comes from a place of protecting us from predators. “Don’t go out too late.” “Don’t go to his house on the first date” and, yes, “Don’t wear miniskirts.” The underlying message is that our words and desires don’t matter — it is the perception of these actions by others that do.
So I wasn’t actually surprised by the story of Grace, a pseudonym for an anonymous woman who described a sexual encounter with writer, comedian and director Aziz Ansari, as “the worst night of my life” for Babe.net. After going out to dinner on a first date, she went to his apartment for drinks and then was caught up in sexual acts with him even after constantly stepping away, even saying that she didn’t want it to “feel forced.”
For many of us, reading about Grace’s encounter was triggering. I remembered the many times when I felt pressured into sex, regretting going to to someone’s home or even feeling like I couldn’t, because if I did, I’d end up “having to have sex with him” even when I really just wanted to chill. Many who are skeptical of Grace’s story, who have attacked her, who have said it crossed the line, must understand that there are power dynamics at play here that create an uneven playing field. And that sexual boundaries need to be respected.
I confess that I have also been very skeptical of this story. I have thought that we’re being too harsh on Ansari. After all, he’s considered one of the good guys because of the fact that this very topic is discussed on his show, and he’s been a supporter of the #MeToo movement.
I’ve thought, he was only trying to get into her pants, is that so wrong?
It is, not because a man isn’t allowed to chase someone for sex, but because of the power dynamics in today’s culture that tip the balance toward men. As women in a society that is confined to gender binary, we live feeling like sexual freedom and liberation are at our fingertips, only to realize that is only true insofar as we continue to center on male desires. When we don’t, we aren’t protected — we know we aren’t protected, and we often simply comply. There’s a clear difference between wanting something and letting it happen, feeling like there’s no other choice. Many women “let” men have sex with them, without having wanted it in the first place.
From images of women in the media that continue to portray us as hypersexual beings (particularly women of color), to what we’re told as young girls, society continues to strip us of our humanity and portray us as objects. This encounter can serve as a powerful reminder that we need to foment a culture where others respect us and our sexual boundaries. Where we’re seen as human beings. If we don’t, rape culture will persist, even in instances where we don’t say no.