Feeling grateful, not ‘lucky,’ after surviving car accident

Dear Miss Manners:

Several months ago, I was in a serious car accident. I am recovering well, but the accident has left me with lingering pain and mobility issues.

At least a dozen friends and family members have felt the need to tell me how “lucky” I am that the outcome was not worse.

While I am, of course, grateful not to be dead or paralyzed, it is not pleasant to be tired and in pain, and I find it a little difficult to smile and agree that yes, I am lucky.

Is there a polite way to let people know that these sentiments, while well-meaning, may come across as thoughtless and hurtful?

Gentle Reader:

Ah, yes, a car crash. Some people have all the luck.

Miss Manners agrees that this all-too-common response to the troubles of others is peculiarly annoying. Notice that these people are not expressing their own relief and gratitude that you were not killed. They are directing you to do so.

It is true that nearly any situation could, theoretically, be better or worse. Cheerful people often tell themselves that misfortunes could have been worse (while others make themselves miserable by complaining that their good fortunes are never enough). But it is not for others to say.

A milder version of your rejoinder would be, “Well, I wish you even better luck than I have had.”

Dear Miss Manners:

Whether dining out with friends and their families, or joining in a congregational dinner where you might be dining with folks you are just meeting, many parents allow their children to be on their handheld devices during the entire dinner, while my gradeschool son tries to make conversation with the kids — to his credit, but mostly to no avail.

Granted, some of these are teenagers. Is there anything polite you think that we can say when this happens again to change the dynamic in the moment? Maybe there is a polite request to make in advance.

Gentle Reader:

You did such a good job of teaching your own child to make conversation instead of bitcoin deals that it is a shame that you cannot politely issue instructions to other people’s children.

It is also a shame that he gets stuck with mannerless teenagers (whom Miss Manners refuses to grant an age-based — or any other — excuse). You might try asking the hosts loudly where they want the young people to park their devices.

If this fails to encourage other parents to direct their children to do as your son will do, you should draw him into the adult conversation. (This is presuming that there is electronic-less adult conversation, and that these dinner parties are not like study halls.)

That will serve him well in future situations — such as college interviews. And if it annoys the other parents to listen to his opinions or have him listen to theirs, then perhaps they will think more about instructing their own children on how to behave in company.

Dear Miss Manners:

I wanted to invite family and friends to our 25th anniversary dinner party, but I can’t afford to pay for everyone’s meal. Is there a tactful way to let them know they’ll need to pay for their own meals?

Gentle Reader:

“We want to honor ourselves with a party that we clearly can’t afford, so we are inviting you to pay for it. We will pretend to be your hosts, but if you want anything to eat and drink, you are on your own.”