Enjoying not living in the moment

My cell phone rang. I could see from the caller ID that it was my 27-year-old son.

“I’VE GOT THE WARRIORS GAME ON TAPE!” I screamed into the phone before he could say anything. “DON’T TELL ME WHO WON!”

“First of all,” he replied in a soothing tone, “you need to relax. Secondly, no one in the 21st century says they have the game on tape. It’s on a DVR. You’re dating yourself.”

“Whatever. Just because we don’t have eight-track or Beta tapes anymore doesn’t mean we have to lose the lingo. It’s got to be on tape somewhere.”

Somehow, I could see him shaking his head sadly, even though he was on the phone. “It’s called the digital world. You’ll understand it in your next life.”

I may not understand how it works or what to call it, but I like it. I watch my fair share of sporting events, and seldom do I watch anything live anymore.

I can even remember when I hit the proverbial wall. I’m guessing it was about 10 years ago, maybe more, while watching a 49ers game on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. One of the teams scored, and the network cut to a three- or four-minute commercial break, which was routine.

Then there was the ensuing kickoff, which was deep in the end zone with no return. Yep, back to a three- or four-minute commercial break. “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” I remember screaming at the television. “NOTHING HAPPENED!”

Now it’s the norm, and I seldom put up with it. Same with the Warriors, where the last two minutes of a game, with all the strategic timeouts, can take 20 minutes. Even the Giants and A’s, with their interminable late-inning pitching changes (and accompanying commercials), are becoming difficult to watch live on television.

There are few things in life as satisfying as fast-forwarding through endless commercials. I can watch a 3½-hour football game in 90 minutes, a 2½-hour basketball game in an hour. There are studies done as to how much time is wasted sitting in traffic. Someone should do a study on how much time is wasted watching commercials.

Fortunately for businesses, most people are not like me and still prefer to watch events live, whether it’s sports or the Academy Awards, so advertisers remain safe in their investments. My guess is that the reason there remain so many live viewers is because they can’t handle the stress of someone blowing the outcome for them.

I once spent an entire afternoon begging every person I ran across not to tell me who was winning the Big Game between Cal and Stanford. At about 6 o’clock, right before I was going to sit down and blissfully race through a commercial-free game, my wife asked me to take the dog out for a quick walk.

A car I didn’t recognize pulled up and as the driver leaned over and rolled down the passenger-side window, I assumed he’d be asking for directions. Instead, I recognized an old friend. Before I could say anything, he blurted, “Can you believe Cal lost?”

That’s one reason, which is a good one. It’s tough when the only person I can confidently be around on game day is my wife, who would never tell me who won or lost, mainly because she generally couldn’t care less who was playing.

The other reason to watch events live is to not give your fellow human beings the satisfaction of knowing something you don’t. Some people take full advantage of this feeling of superiority.

“You really don’t want to know?” they’ll ask with a twinkle in their eye.

“No, I don’t,” I’ll reply. “And if you tell me, I’ll kill you.”

Inevitably, they’ll say something stupid, thinking they’re being funny, and it will give you a clue as to what happened. A clue that can ruin the enjoyment of watching the game. Or you’ll get a text. Or the recording will get screwed up, accidentally fast-forwarding or prematurely ending before the climactic moment. All sorts of things can go wrong. Like I said, stressful. That’s why advertisers are somewhat safe.

Aah, but when it goes blissfully right. Blasting through those commercials, knowing I spent my day or evening exercising outside, or reading, or doing something else that is relatively productive instead of mindlessly being manipulated by the same old advertisers.

Best of all, I’m naive enough to be cluelessly convinced I’m watching it live. So please don’t tell me who won the Super Bowl. I’m watching it on Thursday.

There are few things in life as satisfying as fast-forwarding through endless commercials. I can watch a 3½-hour football game in 90 minutes, a 2½hour basketball game in an hour.