Breakfast of health nuts

Once upon a time, there was a man named Smollet who didn’t give a fig what he had for breakfast as long as it wasn’t noisy.

“I want nothing before noon that snaps, crackles, pops or crunches,” he said with a shudder. And for years, the only thing he cared to face in the morning was a soggy cereal that simply lay docilely in its bowl waiting to be spooned up without a peep. He and it got along just fine.

But as it must to all men, The Health Food Fairy came to Smollet. Oh, what a robust, glowing fairy she was — all decked out in a warm-up suit of alfalfa sprouts, mung beans and mugwort leaves and waving a sturdy ginseng-root wand.

“What’s that limp, tepid stuff you’re ingesting, Smollet?” she demanded sternly. “I’ll bet there’s not a high-density lipoprotein in a carload. If you don’t start worrying about your cholesterol, you’ll keel over a week from next Tuesday.”

“What should I do?” Smollet asked nervously.

“I can give you the answer in two magic words,” said The Health Food Fairy. “Oat bran.”

Naturally, Smollet rushed to the store. He came home with a box of Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran cereal. The noise in the morning gave him a headache, but he persevered. “At least I’m saving my life by lowering my cholesterol,” he said grimly.

At least that’s what he said until The Health Food Fairy returned.

“Didn’t you read the ingredients on the box?” she asked testily. “That’s made with coconut oil, which raises your cholesterol.”

“Why would they make a cereal with oat bran to lower your cholesterol and coconut oil to raise your cholesterol?” asked Smollet, somewhat bewildered.

“Because coconut oil lengthens its shelf life,” she said, “but not yours.”

So off Smollet went to buy another cereal. This time he came home with Oatmeal Raisin Crisp. He rather liked it. It wasn’t as noisy as Cracklin’ Oat Bran, and it was fun playing dunk-the-raisin in the bowl.

He liked it, that is, until The Health Food Fairy dropped by and learned that he was consuming only one bowl a day.

“Didn’t you read the latest report by the Center for Science in the Public Interest?” she cried. “With the amount of oat bran in this and other such cereals, you have to down 12 bowls a day to lower your cholesterol by even as much as 3 percent. Now get busy with that spoon, or you’ll turn up your toes any minute.”

When she returned a month later, Smollet was waiting for her.

“The good news is that by swallowing 24 bowls of Oatmeal Raisin Crisp every morning, I have lowered my cholesterol 5.6 percent,” he said. “The bad news is I now weigh 357 pounds.”

“No problem,” said The Health Food Fairy with that airy air all Health Food Fairies flaunt. “All you need to do is jog 27 miles a day, and you won’t put on another ounce.”

Smollet watched her go with a cocked eyebrow. This time, when she came on another early morning inspection tour, she found a beaming pupil.

“Thanks to your constant goading, good fairy,” he said, “I have at last found the perfect breakfast. It is cholesterol free, fat free, pesticide free, hormone free and additive free with no artificial colors, flavors or preservatives. Moreover, it is made from free-range whole grains that are undoubtedly stone ground. And, best of all, it makes me feel absolutely wonderful all morning long.”

The Health Food Fairy was most pleased. “See, Smollet?” she said. “As I kept telling you, a good breakfast brightens your outlook, stiffens your spine and readies you for the rigors you must face in the workaday world.”

“Exactly,” agreed Smollet wholeheartedly. And as she flew off, he happily raised his martini glass in a silent salute.

“All you need to do is jog 27 miles a day, and you won’t put on another ounce.”