Avoid misunderstandings when asking friends to dine

Dear Miss Manners: What terminology is recommended to invite someone to join you for a meal at a restaurant at their own expense — i.e., not a hosted meal, but just a get-together?

Gentle Reader: Aha! A dangerous problem. With the decline of dinner parties at home, restaurants have become a common place for people not only to meet, but also to entertain. Friendship threatening misunderstandings arise when those who were asked out don’t know which it is.

The confusion is among three similar social situations, two of them legitimate. One is when friends agree to meet at a restaurant, paying their own way. The second is when people entertain guests in a restaurant rather than in their own homes. Then there are those who believe that they can entertain guests without expense. Typically, it is a celebration for themselves or their families — a birthday, an anniversary, even a wedding reception — to which they invite others while expecting what they falsely call their “guests” to pay. Furthermore, these are often surprise parties, in that the attendees are surprised to find out that they are supposed to pay.

Miss Manners continues to be surprised when Gentle Readers tell her that they can’t afford to entertain in a certain restaurant — but don’t stop there. They seem to expect her to tell them how to do this anyway, instead of finding something that they can afford.

As you expect your friends to pay their own way, you are not really inviting them, but only making a suggestion. You should say, “Let’s meet for dinner,” and, if you suggest a restaurant, add “or wherever you would like to go” because they should have a say about preferences in food and price level. (She would ban the term ‘‘Dutch treat,’’ as this is neither Dutch nor a treat.)

Those who use the verb “to invite” and the noun “guests” are expected to pay for the entertainment they provide. If they don’t, Miss Manners assures them that the attendees feel cheated.

Dear Miss Manners: Iama 55-year-old woman who has metastatic breast cancer. In 2009, I had a bilateral mastectomy and chose not to undergo reconstruction. I have surgical and radiation scars, as well as a big tummy.

I’ve often wondered if it is ever appropriate for someone in my position to sunbathe topless or semi-topless in the privacy of my backyard. I have neighbors on either side of my home, and two at the back. The neighbors to the sides have no view of my backyard, while the two at the back have limited views.

Gentle Reader: What exactly do you mean by “in my position”? That you have unfortunately been the victim of illness? That being middle-aged, with scars and “a big tummy,” you do not conform to a narrow social standard of beauty?

If the venue were a topless beach, Miss Manners would vigorously defend your choice. She is highly offended when people complain that only those whom they consider comely are welcome to enjoy the sun.

And if your backyard were completely private, she would have nothing to say against your habit. Even etiquette does not apply when one is alone and unobserved.

But your actual position seems to be that you would be topless in view of some of your neighbors. So she recommends either a shirt or a screen.