Grief from sister’s suicide leads 49ers’ Thomas to speak out
On Jan. 23, Ella Thomas, the older sister of 49ers defensive lineman Solomon Thomas, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound at a friend’s apartment in Coppell, Texas.
At 24, she was a stunning young woman with a personality matching her looks. But she was also wreaked by trauma: Years earlier, when she was a sophomore at the University of Arkansas, she was a victim of what her mother terms an “intense” sexual assault, and the fallout included depression, PTSD and anxiety.
These are some of the horrific details of a suicide, which, based on the average, will kill 121 Americans today.
Suicide is often stigmatized in the United States, where it is the second-leading cause of death for those between the ages of 15 and 34, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
But the remaining members of Ella’s close-knit and nowdevastated family, her brother and best friend, Solomon, and her parents, Chris and Martha, have decided her suicide will not be one that is unreported
and undiscussed.
They are speaking out through their unspeakable grief and, yes, guilt, an emotion that helps sweep suicide under the rug.
Martha, who spoke openly with Ella about her depression, wants people to know about common warning signs. They can include sleeping too little, talk of being a burden to others and isolating from family and friends.
“I just didn’t know how bad it was,” Martha said. “And I kept thinking — ‘If I had known how bad it was … if I had known how bad it was … I could have done something differently. … I look at it now and say, ‘Oh my God. Why didn’t I see this before?’ ”
Said Chris, who was initially more hesitant than his wife to publicly discuss his daughter’s death: “But then I thought about — I wouldn’t want any other family to have to go through this. I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to have to go through what we are going through as a family, and as individuals.”
Solomon, 22, who once shared a dream of opening a restaurant with his only sibling, wants to kick-start a discussion about mental health. He notes it’s not a topic often broached in the type of testosterone-filled workplace in which he resides. Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, and more than 50 percent of those who kill themselves suffer from major depression.
“As a man, you’re taught to keep it down in: ‘Everything’s going to be OK. Be a man. Be strong. Be tough,’ ” Thomas said. “That’s not how we need to live. If something’s wrong, you need to seek help. You can talk to someone about your feelings.”
On the field, there is much interest in how Thomas, the No. 3 pick in the 2017 draft, progresses in his second season.
However, his most meaningful steps of 2018 will be taken Saturday.
Thomas, his parents and eight of Ella’s friends will take part in the 16-mile nighttime Out of the Darkness Walk in Dallas to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. As a team, they have raised $39,000, with the 49ers donating $5,000.
Thomas will walk with a purple wristband on his left arm that includes his sister’s name and date of death. It’s a constant reminder of a sibling who spread joy while suffering at a depth even Solomon didn’t fully grasp.
“She could make a crying baby smile,” Thomas said. “You always knew Ella was there — she just had this great heart. And she loved everyone as hard as she could, whether they deserved her love or whether they didn’t deserve her trust or whether she just met them. She always loved them. That will always stick with me — Ella’s heart.”
In August, Ella, speaking for a story about her brother, noted Solomon took care to “make sure my life seems just as big as his.” She laughed about others being perplexed about Solomon’s obsession with “Star Wars” and Beyonce, whose song, “Upgrade U,” was his walkup music at last year’s draft.
“Other people were like, ‘He’s so big, he’s the No. 3 draft pick and he’s playing Beyoncé?’ ” Ella said. “I said ‘Yeah, that’s my brother. I love it. That’s so awesome.’ ”
However, Ella turned serious when explaining how her brother was her little teddy bear — she quickly amended that to “big teddy bear” — who served as her protector.
“If everyone was against me, I know I would have Solomon Christopher Thomas for me,” she said.
Said Martha: “I used to say, their relationship was the thing I was proudest of as a parent. It wasn’t any other accomplishment, not Solomon getting into Stanford, not anything else. It was how close they were. Because I think as parents, that’s what we enabled for them. We didn’t do it, but we let it happen.”
On Jan. 23, Martha, a middleschool teacher, was taken to the apartment where Ella died by the school’s principal, Greg Axelson. He called Chris, who was on a business trip in New York. And Chris followed by calling Solomon, who had just finished a workout and had planned to go to dinner with Ella and his mom the following night.
In the months following that day, Chris and Martha, while receiving counseling for their grief, have also anguished over the impact on their son.
“We are still concerned about him; there are moments when it’s hard to bear,” Chris said. “But he’s got broad shoulders, figuratively and literally. I know he also has a big heart, and he wants to make a difference. And I think he’s trying to use his position to create a platform to help as many people as possible.”
Solomon says the overwhelming support he’s received has helped. He recalled Ella’s funeral, where CEO Jed York, head coach Kyle Shanahan and general manager John Lynch were in attendance, along with teammates Robbie Gould, Joshua Garnett and Elvis Dumervil. On Saturday, vice president Keena Turner and director of player engagement Austin Moss will be in Dallas for the walk.
As a fledgling mental health advocate, Solomon has also been encouraged by athletes who have spoken up this year. Cavaliers All-Star forward Kevin Love has discussed his panic attacks, and Raptors guard DeMar DeRozan has talked about his depression. This week, Cavaliers head coach Tyronn Lue told ESPN he’s being treated for anxiety, and newly signed Seahawks wide receiver Brandon Marshall continued his ongoing dialogue about his borderline personality order.
Chris and Martha have donated Ella’s car, a Lexus RX, to a youth organization. And the remainder of her college fund was given to a college student in financial need in Coppell.
These are small ways in which some good has come out from a tragedy.
But Solomon and his parents hope something far greater is borne from the loss of a sister and daughter who loved so deeply: That a suicide, a death often done in secret and kept in the dark by those left behind, will lead many suffering silently into the light, where lives can be saved.