Threat from the north reaches close to home

I was reading the morning paper last week, and it seemed like an opportune time to tell my wife that we were finished. “Our relationship is over,” I announced. “We are no longer friends, let alone lovers.”

“That’s nice,” she replied, not even bothering to sound alarmed. “Any particular reason?”

“You’re a Canadian, born and raised,” I said, pointing to a story in the paper. “You’ve been taking advantage of Americans like me for too long. Just like our president and his problems with Justin Trudeau, I’ve had enough of our weak, dishonest northern so-called neighbors.”

“Does it matter that I’ve been in the United States since 1975 and became a U.S. citizen in 1987?”

“Nice try. I also noticed you never renounced your Canadian citizenship. For all I know, you’re a Canadian spy.”

She didn’t seem particularly interested in my tirade. So I did a little research and then called her brother, who lives near Montreal.

“I’m done with you,” I said when he answered his phone. “You’ve been taking advantage of us poor Americans for far too long.”

“Are you talking about what your president has said is a monumental trade deficit?” he innocently asked.

“That’s right,” I replied. “He said it might be as high as $100 billion, and he always does his research before he speaks.”

That didn’t go over well. My Canadian brother-in-law immediately mentioned that according to the Office of the United States Trade Representative, the U.S. actually had an $8.4 billion trade with Canada, but a $17.5 billion trade deficit if services were excluded. Then he had the audacity to criticize our president for making grandiose statements.

“That’s going to cost you money, buster!” I said indignantly. “We may stop all trading with you unless you reduce tariffs and trade barriers. No one can criticize our president and not expect to pay the consequences.”

“He called our prime minister ‘weak and dishonest,’ ” he weakly retorted. “You guys are the ones starting this fight.”

And what a fight it was going to be. Now that North Korea was our new buddy and with Iran relegated to the back pages, we needed a new enemy, and Canada was the perfect choice. It wasn’t going to be easy, but we could all learn to hate Canadians.

All we needed was ammunition, and I had some ready to fire. “Do you know that approximately 33,000 Canadians move to the U.S. every year, and only about 9,000 Americans move to Canada each year,” I said. “And we have 10 times the population. We’re being invaded from the north!”

“Are you suggesting we build a wall along our 5,000-mile border?” he innocently asked. “And have Canada pay for it so that no Canadian drug dealers, criminals or rapists enter the United States?”

“That would help improve our strained relations,” I replied, sensing some capitulation on my brother-inlaw’s part. “And we would appreciate it if you promise to rid yourself of all nuclear weapons as well, as our friends in North Korea have promised.”

“We already did, voluntarily, in 1984,” he answered. “We have no weapons of mass destruction. We also have stringent gun control, one of the lowest murder rates in the world, universal health care and fabulously clean air.”

Smug little bastard. No wonder they’re quickly becoming our No. 1 enemy. Not only are they taking advantage of us, they’re laughing all the way to the bank. I thought about listing all the merits of the United States, but instead decided to hang up.

When I got home that night, I informed the suspected Canadian spy that I had talked to her brother and let him know that we were on the brink of war. No longer would we be breaking bread together, at least until relations thaw.

“When do you expect that to happen?” asked the suspected spy, searching for a tidbit she could report back to her Canadian superiors.

“Two things could happen that might help. First, I read in the Borowitz Report that Kim Jong Un has offered to broker peace talks between the United States and Canada. With a peace-loving statesman like Kim leading the way, maybe we can find common ground.”

“That makes sense. But if that doesn’t work, what is the second option?” asked the suspected spy.

I sighed, very deeply. “2020, my dear. The year 2020.”

With a peaceloving statesman like Kim Jong Un leading the way, maybe we can find common ground.