The youngest becomes the only, temporarily

The oldest child starts out as an only child, which is probably why the oldest child is so annoyed by the middle child. The middle child never gets to be an only child, which explains why the middle child is so middle child. The youngest child gets to be the only child after he gets rid of his predecessors.

Brother Not X was an only child in South Ozone Park from Aug. 19, 1948, until July 8, 1950, and although Grandma Sadie spoiled him till it hurt, he was too young to really enjoy it. Brother X was the middle child, and 68 years later he is still the Jan Brady of the family.

In 1969, I got my shot at only child. Brother Not X had joined the Navy and was stationed in Adak, Alaska. Brother X, not wanting to join the Army, had entered the Marist monastery, and thus, I got to enjoy the same privileges as Chelsea Clinton, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Condoleezza Rice and Frank Sinatra: growing up without having to compete with siblings. Yes, yes, Franklin did end up marrying his own cousin, but he actually had a steady job for more than 15 years.

But if you’re not convinced, there’s Leonardo da Vinci, John Lennon and Robin Williams. Harry Potter.

Nurse Vivian really liked having me as an only child. Mind you, she was paying Brother X’s tuition at the time, but still and all, she made spaghetti and meatballs every single Wednesday for three years. She let me quit the bowling league, me having lived up to the stereotype that nerds make poor athletes. We watched the Mary Tyler Moore and Carol Burnett shows, without having to reckon whether they competed with a boxing match.

The summer of 1974, the first time I started looking lonely, she let me have my first rescue dog, Whiskers. Not sure if it was the absence of siblings or Nixon’s resignation, but I took what I could get.

Brother X never quite forgave me for replacing him with a mutt.

So, yes, I knew that eventually Aidan would be the only child of the family, even though none of us wanted it to come so soon. Zane is in Hogwarts, leaving the playing field open. Aidan is temporarily only: ad tempus tantum.

Aidan finds being an “only child” a double-edged sword. Inside the term is the word “only,” implying it’s no longer the set. It’s just him.

It’s like that whole Prodigal Son parable in the Bible. You remember that guy, right? But do you remember his brother? No, his brother got left behind, with the dad telling all those stories about how much he missed Prodigal, and how he was fattening up this calf in case he returned, and the whole time, Prodigal’s brother is thinking, “You know, that’s all good. Except I’m the one with the summer reading assignment. I’m the one sitting here watching Hallmark with you.”

Speaking of fatted calves, Aidan’s been going to SPCA camp. So, as we sat down to dinner, we held hands, said grace and toasted “the best boys in the world, whether they are here in the outer, outer, outer Excelsior or over the mountain and across the desert.” I served Aidan a pork chop, simmered in buttermilk gravy with mushrooms, and he announced, “There was a bunny at the SPCA today. I think we should become vegan.”

My fork trembled, “Aidan, you do know that there’s no such thing as vegan bacon? You are aware that meat loaf is half loaf, half meat?”

Aidan pushed his chop to the side, aimed for his mashed potatoes, “Maybe we could start out slow, Daddy. How about we skip meat once a week?” “Meatless Monday?” “You know, Dad, that gives me an idea.”

What can I say? Aidan was an only child for the first time, and Brian was off dancing in Sweden, making me an only parent. And seeing how it was a double-only week, we ended up at Mitchell’s for Aidan’s Sundae Mondaes. This brings Snacky Dinner to a whole new level. Parenting in the 21st century requires compromise, and even though I was not quite willing to go vegan for my son, I was willing to eat ice cream for dinner if the cream for that product was produced by a cow who abstains from pork.

We scanned the Ube-Macapuno and Langka flavors, but just to show Aidan could compromise right back, he ordered “grasshopper pie.” The woman behind him looked shocked until he said, “Don’t worry. The grasshoppers are all vegan.” Ad tempus tantum. Until Zane comes home.