More advice from the venerable Dr. C
Editor’s note: It’s time for yet another installment from our nationally syndicated (in his dreams) advice columnist, that Doctor of communications himself, well known to his legion of mythical fans as simply Doctor C.
Dear Dr. C: I’m 27 years old, and I was always taught by my parents to respect my elders. With that in mind, I’ve always addressed my parents’ friends as Mr. Smith or Mr. Jones and not by their first names. I’m very uncomfortable changing over to a first name basis. How should I handle this? Confused in Cotati
Dear Confused: First of all, Dr. C would like to adopt you. You sound like an exemplary young person who understands his (or her) role in life. However, you are now 27 years old and it is time to grow up and realize that no one wants to feel old. Dr. C knows a 32-year-old who is a longtime friend of his son, and this whippersnapper refuses to call Dr. C by his first name, despite repeated requests to do so. Obviously, he enjoys making Dr. C feel old and Dr. C would like to kill him. Dr. C always tells adult friends of his kids to call him by his first name, as long as they preface it with Doctor. Respect is respect.
Dear Dr. C: I have a friend who is always late. He generally has a reason, but it’s usually bogus. He has no track of time, and rarely apologizes when he finally shows up. What makes people be perennially late? Exasperated in Eugene
Dear Exasperated: Dr. C feels your pain, because Dr. C also has a friend who is always late. Since Dr. C is neurotically on time, it is difficult for Dr. C to understand why his friend consistently keeps Dr. C waiting. So Dr. C did some research and found four reasons why some people are always late:
(1) Lack of self-discipline, where some people find it impossible to pull themselves away from an activity.
(2) Some people are afraid of being early because they feel inefficient, awkward or uncomfortable waiting.
(3) Eternal optimism could be a factor, meaning some people honestly think a 25-minute commute will take 10 minutes.
(4) Some people are self-centered egotists who insist on making a grand entrance so that everyone waiting can appreciate their presence.
Pick the one that best describes your friend. Dr. C, because he loves his friend, will not cast a vote. Let’s just say Dr. C finds example No. 4 the most intriguing. Dear Dr. C: I work in the service industry, and my supervisor never compliments me on my performance. For that matter, he never compliments any of my co-workers either. I get plenty of compliments from my customers on my service. Why can’t the person who signs my paycheck and has total control over my employment ever say something nice? It would make me feel so much better if he did.
Since Dr. C seldom receives a compliment, Dr. C has made it his lifetime quest to figure out why.
Insecure in Idaho Dear Insecure: Dr. C loves giving compliments, so it is also hard for Dr. C to understand why some people find it so difficult to compliment others. Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated for their accomplishments, and it’s especially gratifying when it comes from people with authority. Since Dr. C seldom receives a compliment, Dr. C has made it his lifetime quest to figure out why. Here are Dr. C’s theories, all stolen from others:
(1) The non-complimenter has a strongly competitive personality and feels that complimenting others makes his achievements inferior.
(2) The non-complimenter thinks a person’s accomplishments are to be expected and not worthy of acknowledgment.
(3) A compliment will make the recipient egotistical and therefore it is intentionally withheld.
(4) The non-complimenter grew up with parents who were more apt to criticize than compliment. Consequently, praise for another might create feelings of unease.
(5) The non-complimenter is a narcissist who has no need for compliments for himself and therefore feels no need to reciprocate.
(6) There is nothing worth complimenting.
Dr. C has no idea which of the above applies to your supervisor. Dr. C only knows that No. 6 can be eliminated. The bottom line is that understanding why some people cannot give compliments might help you to accept that you’re never going to get them. Dr. C has learned to congratulate himself for a job well done. You’d be wise to do the same.