The demographics, kindness of emails

Demography is derived from the Greek demos meaning “the people” and

graphos meaning “writing.” Nowadays, demographics encompasses the quantifiable differences in a population, the life tables of gender, race, age, marital status.

In South Ozone Park, neither Brother X nor Brother Not X were likely to pick me for their stickball team, which meant I spent a lot of time sitting on the stoop, under the sycamore trees, reading comic books. Justice League. X-Men. Fantastic Four. Dedicated nerd that I was, I always read the letters to the editor, my favorites being the fans who earned what Marvel Comics called a “No-Prize.” The reader noticed a mistake in continuity: Captain America’s gloves were yellow instead of red in panel 3 and then came up with an explanation: Captain America had been fighting Colonel Mustard. For this, the editor bestowed NoPrize at all, a dubious distinction.

There’s no continuity in the Fisher-Paulson family, nor this column. But you readers still figure out explanations for my mistakes.

Let me start by saying that I’m sorry that I haven’t written back yet. The past few weeks have resulted in more correspondence than I get in a year. I answer every email personally, whether forwarded by the elves who manage the Datebook mail room or sent to my AOL address, and on the July 25 column alone, I’ve just written my 698th response, and I have a long way to go. As I’m not particularly organized, I might miss you, or answer you twice. But Brian and I are humbled and in awe of your support. You expressed faith and support for this family, broken for now, but on our way to being whole.

You bear witness to this pilgrimage of the Fisher-Paulsons. But not as silent observers, no. You cheer us on. Enthusiastically. I’ve heard stories from many parents who have also made tough love decisions about their children, and almost everyone has voiced, “The FisherPaulsons do have a long journey away, but that road turns back and leads to home.”

There were three themes in the letters.

First, almost everyone wrote that they cried. Let’s hope in the future that I bring you more laughter than tears.

The second is that many felt the need to tell me that they come from a different demographic group. “I’m a straight college professor” or “I’ve never been a deputy sheriff parenting children.” So I’m reasonably certain that my column is not read by 60-year-old white Irish gay Catholics, married to white nonIrish gay Catholic (age withheld to save my marriage), fathering a 15-year-old African American straight Catholic

temporarily Texan, a 13-year-old multirace straight trying-hard-to-avoid-beingCatholic and two Asian American canines, 11 and 6, who each believe that I-am-a-deity-but-only-when-I-providethem-with-hamburger, all of whom share residence in the blue bungalow.

But this column is not about that which makes demographics, or what makes us different. This is about that which makes us the same. Each and every one of you who read this column are honorary citizens of the outer, outer, outer, outer Excelsior, which used to be a tiny strip of land in the shadow of La Grande Tank water tower in the outer Excelsior, but now stretches as far as the Pecos.

Which leads me to the third theme: kindness. Let me quote three of my readers. Marla Z. said, “Be kind to yourself while things are lousy.” Dixie T., whose personal motto is “Nice matters,” quoted Ruth Robinson, “When in doubt, do the kindest thing.”

Marilyn S. wrote, “Be kinder than is necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” That’s just the thing. Within each of us beats a heart stitched out of comedy and tragedy. One of the bravest who wrote to me told me of how her husband suffered from Alzheimer’s and she eventually had to put him into a care facility, because she believed it was the right thing to do. But doing the right thing is never the easy thing.

To each of you readers who I haven’t answered yet, I offer you not a No-Prize, but a No-Know-Prize. When it comes to family, we cannot know we are doing the right thing. We can only believe. And that comes out of kindness. Whether Catholic, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Wiccan or agnostic, faith is expressed in taking action based upon what we hope to be the right path.

I’m no scholar, but we’re not talking about demos graphos, the people’s writing, as much as we are talking demos

chrestos, the people’s kindness. And in that, we are indeed one. If you are wondering my party affiliation, put me down for Demochrest.

“Be necessary kinder because than is everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” Marilyn S.