At a loss for how to answer unwanted invitation to call
Dear Miss Manners:
When I run into someone I have not seen recently, we usually have a little chat that invariably ends with my saying “Nice to see you” and the person saying I should call him/her. This happens with acquaintances, people with whom I have lost contact, even sometimes a person I purposely have not contacted.
I am always at a loss as to how to answer this invitation. Usually I just nod and say I will call, knowing full well that I will not.
Do these people really mean that I should call them? Is there a polite way to respond without lying (I do not like to lie)? If a person actually wants to renew an acquaintance, shouldn’t he/she call me rather than exhorting me to make the call? (I am afraid I am often tempted to say so.) Is there a part of modern communication that I am missing?
Gentle Reader:
To answer your questions, in order: No. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Miss Manners realizes it is possible she is overconfident by saying “no,” these people do not want you to call. They may simply be indifferent, and therefore unwilling to expend the minimal energy required to call themselves.
The advantage of short answers is, strangely, their ambiguity: By saying “yes” to a suggestion that you should call, you may be lying, or you may simply be agreeing that, in an ideal world, yes, you should call. What you are missing about modern communication is that while technology has made it easier, human nature has not always made it more desirable. There may be a reason you lost touch.
Dear Miss Manners:
My son will marry soon after the first anniversary of his beloved dad’s death. Instead of the usual guest “favors,” I would like to have small printed cards on the table that say: “In lieu of guest favors, we have made a donation to (charity name), (father’s name)’s favorite charity.”
I don’t want to dampen our son’s happy day, but I hate to think of celebrating without some thoughtful remembrance of his devoted father.
Gentle Reader:
As an opponent of guest favors, other than for single-digit birthday parties, Miss Manners would not mourn their absence. But the “bait and switch” nature of what you propose troubles her: “No swag for you” strikes her as a less gentle way to remind guests of a deceased father than mentioning (father’s name) in a toast.
Dear Miss Manners:
If the restaurant hostess is leading my wife and me to a table, who should follow behind the hostess, and who should bring up the rear? Not an earthshaking question, just curious what the rules say.
Gentle Reader:
This being an entrance, at least metaphorically, the rules for passing through a door apply. Ladies first, gentlemen second. Miss Manners notes that the rules allow an exception for particularly crowded restaurants where a lady may require a blocker to clear the way.
Dear Miss Manners:
Is it rude, bad manners to have your feet (whether bare or shod) on furniture in public? Examples: on chairs in medical waiting rooms, on armrests in planes, etc.?
Gentle Reader:
Yes. Rude, bad manners, and just plain ewwwww.
Send questions to Miss Manners’ website: www.missmanners.com; to her email address: dearmiss manners@gmail.com; or through postal mail: Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.