‘Crawl’ earns praise without warning
Disaster horror film among best movies that didn’t screen for critics
Releasing a movie without a preview screening for critics is almost always a cinematic admission of defeat.
It’s a tactical move by studio executives to cut losses, because they know their film is horrible by any critical standard, and want to delay wordofmouth as much as possible.
But there are times when a film rises above its selfhating distribution plan, and is actually … pretty good. And then, above all of those, there is the alligator attack thriller “Crawl,” the “Godfather, Part II” of didn’tscreenforcritics movies.
With July 12 release “Crawl” currently boasting an 85% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I’ve compiled the best movies that didn’t screen for critics, before paying tribute to their new champion.
Indies that didn’t screen because of economic limitations and films that didn’t screen to hide spoilers are not included. (Alfred Hitchcock declined to screen his 1960 film “Psycho,” to preserve the plot twists.)
Also noted: movies that screened for critics that were worse than the ones that didn’t.
“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” (2009)
I watched this at a Thursday midnight screening in Alameda, then wrote the review for Friday morning. My final assessment may have been skewed by the two cans of Mountain Dew I drank to stay awake, but it received a solidly lukewarm review. (“As a movie that no one thought would be any good because it’s based on an action figure that isn’t even a foot tall anymore, it succeeds wildly.”)
The filmmakers, who said they passed on advanced screenings in part because critics were so hard on the second “Transformers” movie, may have been right. “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” grossed a respectable $300 million worldwide. Rotten Tomatoes score: 29% Is a better movie than: “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”; every “Transformers” movie except the first one and “Bumblebee.”
“Hercules” (2014)
This is a Brett Ratnerdirected movie, and that should be good enough reason for anyone to avoid it. But “Hercules” is also arguably the thirdbest Ratner movie, after the first “Rush Hour” and “Red Dragon.” Action star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson certainly didn’t think he was in a bad movie. He gives the lead role his usual 140%, making Hercules funny and exciting, while portraying the character with some humanity. John Hurt, Rufus Sewell and Ian McShane round out the cast.
If you don’t pay full price, come in with low expectations and drink three cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beforehand, there is almost no way to feel disappointed with “Hercules.”
Rotten Tomatoes score: 58%
Is a better movie than: The first two “Thor” movies; the second half of “Aquaman”; “Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.”
“Billy Madison” (1995)
If you go by the 14% Metacritic score, this movie is completely unlovable and should be in the “forgotten Adam Sandler movies” bin with “Little Nicky” and “Click.” (The headline of Mick LaSalle’s empty chair review in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Billy Madison: A threat to Western civilization?”)
So why is it on cable television every other hour? Why has it endured as at least the thirdmost quotable Adam Sandler movie, after “Happy Gilmore” and (maybe) “The Wedding Singer”? Why does the scene where Billy Madison pretends to wet his pants to protect a classmate make us laugh … and cry?
Rotten Tomatoes score: 40%
Is a better movie than: Every early Adam Sandler comedy except “The Wedding Singer” and “Happy Gilmore.”
“Hostel” (2005)
I remember “Hostel” distinctly, because I reviewed the torture porn film on a day that I watched three movies that didn’t screen for critics, backtobacktoback.
The Eli Roth movie is for people who embrace disturbing imagery and don’t mind watching two mostly undeserving men get slowly tortured for 25 minutes. But there’s no doubt it’s a good movie for people who don’t mind watching two undeserving men get tortured for 25 minutes. It’s a stylish and original piece of filmmaking that we are still thinking about (in a creepedout way) almost 15 years later.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 61%
Is a better movie than: Every “Amityville Horror” movie and sequel, every “Saw” sequel, “Mary Poppins Returns.” Adam Sandler stars as an adult going back to elementary school in the comedy “Billy Madison.”
“Snakes on a Plane” (2006)
If you’re too young to remember, “Snakes on a Plane” was one of the first memes straddling the blogging and social media age. It’s not an exaggeration to say that for a few weeks, Samuel L. Jackson and “Snakes on a Plane” were bigger than Britney Spears, Captain Jack Sparrow and the “Grand Theft Auto” video games combined.
So it wasn’t a surprise when the distributors of the selfdescribed movie decided to release it without a critics screening. A huge mistake, because (despite being pretty good) wary audiences avoided the movie, and it grossed a disappointing $34 million.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 69%
Is a better movie than: “Coach Carter,” “Deep Blue Sea,” “Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.”
“Piranha 3D” (2010)
This was directed by Alexandre Aja, who does nothing but make underrated horror films, many of which inexplicably don’t screen for critics. Aja helmed a completely satisfying “The Hills Have Eyes” remake before tackling “Piranha 3D” — essentially a remake of the Roger Corman “Piranha” film directed by Joe Dante and written by John Sayles.
The film has a very good sense of humor and has the perfect blend of camp and gore. But Aja is also a very good director, adding some visual beauty to the ridiculousness (which makes the whole endeavor even more ridiculous).
Rotten Tomatoes score: 73%
Is a better movie than: “Anaconda,” “The Meg,” every “Jaws” sequel put together.
“Crawl”(2019)
This may sound like hyperbole fueled by recency bias, but “Crawl” is almost certainly the greatest didn’t screen for-critics movie ever made.
Masterpiece may be a bit too strong of a description. But Aja develops his characters, has a wonderful sense of geography and timing, and uses his skills (not cheap scares obscured by darkness) to create thrills.
Barry Pepper, Kaya Scodelario and canine actor CsoCso all come off as flawed but resourceful victims, not mindless alligator fodder. And at a lean 87 minutes, the movie is wellpaced, rarely spending a wasted second. Rotten Tomatoes score: 87% Is a better movie than: Every Woody Allen movie made since “Blue Jasmine”; all of the “Hunger Games” films; “Green Book.”