Scott Ostler: “Hard Knocks” takes it relatively easy on Raiders in the premiere episode.
“Hard Knocks” is a wedgie, administered to some loser team by the playgroundbully NFL.
Coaches dread being chosen for HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” and the more sadsack the team is, the harder it is to avoid that fate. But like a wedgie, “Hard Knocks” is seldom fatal. If the Raiders fall on their collective face this season, it won’t be because of a TV show.
If Tuesday night’s first episode of “Hard Knocks” is any indication, the Raiders should have begged for the honor of being wedgied.
Coaches like to say this TV show is a distraction, but it is as much a distraction as a videographer at a wedding. It’s there to make ’em look good.
Head coach Jon Gruden protested mildly when the Raiders were chosen as this year’s team, but nobody works a camera like Gruden. OK, maybe DeNiro. Gruden is probably cool and wisecracking when he shaves.
Gruden is shown giving his welcome speech to the team. He seems to have the players’ attention and respect from the start. Hey, they’ve all grown up watching him dominate TV booths and video sessions with nervous kid quarterbacks.
Here’s the hipster Gruden, laying down the team rules, sounding like John Wayne meets Jeff Spicoli: “Don’t be late. Try not to be overweight. Bust your ass. And try to use common sense.”
Gruden’s got better dialogue than even DeNiro.
“Hard Knocks” wisely woke up the echoes of Raiderdom, giving a nice cameo to everybody’s favorite human, John Madden, and dusting off the late John Facenda reciting “The Autumn Wind is a Raider.”
Along with Gruden, “Hard Knocks” is going to have a couple of bustout stars. Antonio Brown begs for exposure. He’s an NFL mystery, a crazyproductive wideout who doesn’t fit in easily.
Gruden says of Brown, “When he practices, he elevates everybody.”
Ah, but Brown doesn’t practice, except alone, with his personal trainer. He’s the big story in camp. There are reports that he has frostbite on his feet.
Also challenging Gruden’s absolute authority and situation control is rookie safety Jonathan Abram, who arrives in a lux Mercedes and commences to putting unwelcome hits on his new teammates in nopads practices.
“Some of that stuff is unnecessary, and you know it,” Gruden says in a scoldyfriendly way to Abram. Instead of apologizing or acknowledging his misdemeanors, the rook goes on the offense, telling Gruden, “You can’t cut me.”
Ouch. Say that to Vince Lombardi or Bill Walsh and you leave camp by being shot out of a cannon.
It’s an interesting deal, an NFL player who plays too rough. And a Raider who won’t follow the rules. It’s almost like Abram has heard that Autumn wind poem and “he’ll knock you around and upside down and laugh when he’s conquered and won.”
It’s impossible to tell if Gruden loves Abram’s rogue spirit or will look for opportunities to humble him. That relationship has great screen potential.
If Gruden and team owner Mark Davis are reluctant wedgie victims of “Hard Knocks,” the players don’t mind. They are not camera shy. In fact, it wouldn’t be hard to spin “Hard Knocks” as a positive — a relief from the drudgery, pain and high pressure of training camp.
On Tuesday, Gruden said he wasn’t planning to watch “Hard Knocks.”
“We’re not going to be eating Cracker Jacks and peanuts and watching it. We’ve got meetings,” he said.
“Don’t be late. Try not to be overweight. Bust your ass. And try to use common sense.” Jon Gruden, Raiders head coach, on “Hard Knocks”
Gruden probably wasn’t aware that his snack choice would be redundant; Cracker Jack contains peanuts.
The players have meetings, too, but I bet roughly 110 percent of the Raiders watched Episode 1. For nonsuperstars, football is the most anonymous sport there is, and “Hard Knocks” is their shot at fame.
They ham it up good. Brown arrives via balloon, spouting poetry. Abram and a teammate go horseback riding through the vineyards, picking and eating grapes. Yeah, training camp is brutal.
The Raiders should have begged for “Hard Knocks.” It has been “Soft Knocks,” ignoring or glossing over how the team has sucked for a long time, won four games in Gruden’s debut season, has a highpriced quarterback on the hot seat, is leaking fans because of the impending move to Las Vegas, and has a new general manager whose key acquisitions are a wideout who can’t cut or practice and a defensive back who won’t behave.
And we’ve barely seen Richie Incognito, the rogue lineman currently suspended by the NFL.
As wedgies go, this one is relatively painless. So far.