Guest, host must agree when invitation’s terms are unusual
Dear Miss Manners: We invited another couple to join us at a popular, annual concert for which we had been given tickets. The invitation did not include dinner, because of other commitments we had already made. We were looking forward to enjoying their company while driving to and from the concert.
They, however, wanted us all to go to their favorite restaurant before the performance. When they finally agreed to accept our original invitation, they demonstrated their disappointment with long faces and strained conversation. They did acknowledge that they enjoyed the performance.
This is the first time we’ve ever had the terms and conditions of an invitation negotiated, and we still struggle to find a meaningful response. What should we have said or done? Would it have been bad manners to rescind the invitation and tell them that we looked forward to enjoying their company on another occasion that we all would find both convenient and satisfying? (It will be incredibly hard not to be snarky, but we will refrain. We promise.) Gentle Reader: It will come as no surprise to her Gentle Readers that Miss Manners is in favor of clear invitations, and against guests negotiating the terms thereof. The host is required to provide a time and place, as well as any pertinent details (e.g., the inclusion of the guest’s exhusband). The guest is usually barred from adding more mouths to feed or ears to listen.
But understanding on both sides is necessary when the terms are unusual — as this one was. Evening events generally involve dinner and do not specify transportation.
The proper sequence should therefore have been:
Guest: “That sounds wonderful. I’m so sorry you’re not available for dinner; we’d love to catch up. Should we just meet at the concert?”
Host: “It is too bad about dinner; Sean has a company obligation that we couldn’t get out of. But we were hoping you would join us for the drive so that we would have more time together.”
Guest, option 1: “Terrific. We’d love to.”
Guest, option 2: “Unfortunately, that’s going to make the timing tight for us. Would you mind if we just met you at the concert, and we can do dinner another time?”
Host: “That would be lovely.” Dear Miss Manners: We are limited on the amount of guests we can invite to my daughter’s wedding, because the venue is tight. One friend responded “yes” to both the engagement party and bridal shower, but pulled a noshow to one and canceled last minute to the other.
I don’t feel obligated to include her at the wedding, but my daughter is worried because she has already received a savethedate. Should she get an invite? Gentle Reader: Unfortunately, Miss Manners has to agree with your daughter. A savethedate is an obligation on the part of its sender to follow up with an invitation.
Responding in the affirmative is an obligation for the guest to attend, and as that part of the contract has been repeatedly violated, Miss Manners will permit you to amend yours.
After the invitation is sent, contact your friend, expressing extreme concern that two emergencies in proximity must have been difficult on her and hope that her troubles will be over in time for you to see her at the wedding. If she does not confirm, you will convey regret to her and secretly rejoice in discreetly opening another spot for a presumably more grateful and reliable guest. Dear Miss Manners: Why is it considered rude to wash your hands at a kitchen sink? The dish soap is available, the water is available, so what’s the problem? Gentle Reader: Why do some questions sound rude when the same request, phrased differently, does not? Context. Washing up at the sink when you are the cook is not rude, nor would doing so be considered impolite for another resident of the house at a casual meal.
The ban on public grooming exists because some people are more squeamish than others. True, witnessing another person washing her hands versus clipping her toenails elicits different responses in most people, but etiquette prefers to err on the side of consideration — and of keeping the peace. It is the same reason that Miss Manners presumes your question to be open and wellintentioned, barring a followup that “people should just get over it.” Dear Miss Manners: I am the only girl in my family, with three brothers. My mom asked me if I would give her a retirement party next year.
I’m happy to do it, but financially, I cannot shoulder all the responsibilities on my own. I politely solicited assistance from my brothers, to no avail. Is it tacky to ask mom for financial assistance with her own party? Gentle Reader: Yes, but it was equally unseemly for her to demand one. Tell your mother that you would love to host it in her home, but require her assistance in getting the menu just right. And, Miss Manners recommends, in nagging your brothers to help. Dear Miss Manners: If you have a guest in your home and you overhear a negative comment, how are you to react for the duration of the guest’s stay? Gentle Reader: That will depend upon the nature of the comment.
Miss Manners recommends pretending not to hear the ungenerous comment about the salmon, as it was not intended to be overheard. The unmistakably uncivil comment to, or about, the hostess, however, will require a period of frosty politeness of length in proportion to the severity of the rudeness. Send questions to Miss Manners’ website: www.missmanners.com; to her email: dearmissmanners@ gmail.com; or through postal mail: Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.