Who killed state’s high-speed rail?
“Stop where you are,” declared the mustachioed detective, in a European accent, as he entered the Assembly chamber.
“There has been a murder here in the Capitol!”
Legislators looked puzzled. Had they entered an Agatha Christie novel?
A progressive Democrat said: “We are unaware of any murders, other than our usual killing of moderates’ arrears. Who’s your victim?”
The detective held up a handkerchief bearing the monogram, “HSR.”
“That can’t be!” shouted the governor, who had rushed to the chamber upon hearing that international media might be present. “The only HSR we know is high-speed rail, America’s most ambitious project. And it’s not dead.”
The detective arched an eyebrow. “How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’m saving it,” the governor said, “by downsizing the San Francisco to L.A. project into a Merced to Bakersfield route.”
“Governor, you have just confessed!” the detective replied. “Proposing a $100 billion train between two cities without a Michelin star restaurant between them demonstrates homicidal intent toward the very concept of passenger rail.
“Next question: Governor, did you act alone?”
“Are you accusing me, detective?” the Assembly speaker said from the dais. “Who are you anyway? How did you get here?”
“I’m M. Hercule Poirot, and I was on the express to Istanbul when Interpol called. I flew Turkish Airlines to SFO, took BART to catch the Amtrak to Sacramento, which was lovely but empty. Then I made the mistake of trying Sacramento light rail, which smelled like a crime scene ... but, Mr. Speaker, you haven’t answered my question.”
“Well,” the speaker replied, “you can’t be suggesting that the Democratic lawmakers from Southern California killed it. We’re simply trying to make high-speed rail better, by repurposing some of the money from the Central Valley to regional rail projects.”
Poirot furrowed his brow. “Repurposing? A curious choice of words. And you are doing this by denying the project $4.2 billion in voter-approved bond funds. Mr. Speaker, the Legislature tops my list of suspects. I don’t care about your campaigns; none of you may leave Sacramento.”
“Why are you crediting the Democrats for the murder?” interjected the Republican leader. “We’ve been working to kill high-speed rail for years. We call it the “Crazy Train,” like the Ozzy Osbourne song. He’s from Europe, like you. Punish us.”
“Not exactly. He’s from Birmingham, England, and I’m Belgian. And why should I believe your confession? It’s hard to take your word for anything. Most of you say the last election was rigged. Is your opposition to the project real? High-speed rail could provide a big economic stimulus for the Central Valley region that so many of you Republicans represent. How does killing it make any sense? You are engaged in self-harm. I’m having you held for observation and psychological evaluation.”
There was noise from the gallery, as lobbyists and others filed in to watch the detective’s investigation. One stood up and said, “Detective, I’m from the building and construction trades, and you’re wrong. Our labor organizations are powerful and don’t want this dead. We want our members to build it. We’ve protected high-speed rail for years — including from legislative oversight.”
“And hasn’t that worked well?” the detective asked rhetorically. “Also, you demand wages that would be considered extortionate even among the guilds of the European continent. Your demands have made building high-speed rail, or anything else, scandalously expensive in this state. Please consider yourself under suspicion for the death of this project and the California dream.”
Another visitor spoke up. “I represent the California High-Speed Rail Authority, and I assure you we are still constructing high-speed rail and are committed to finishing the project.”
“I’m sorry. But do you have all the land assembled to build the rail, 14 years after voters approved the project?”
“Not yet, but ... ”
“How about the utility relocations?”
“We’re almost halfway there in the Central Valley.”
“And does the authority have the necessary staff to manage such a project?”
“I can’t speak to that. I’m just one of the consultants.”
The detective surveyed a legislative chamber full of suspects. He thought for a minute.
“This reminds me of a case from much earlier in my career, written up in a book called “Murder on the Orient Express.” A train got stuck, and a man was murdered.
“I had a wide variety of suspects. The passengers all put on a great show of saying they were trying to save the victim. But in the end, all were guilty.
“The difference between California high-speed rail and that railway murder is that on the Orient Express, those killers had the grace to acknowledge what they’d done. So, I showed them mercy.
“A recent poll shows Californians still want high-speed rail, so you refuse to confess. You’ve killed HSR already. But you can’t admit the crime.”