Destination wedding invites seem disingenuous

DEAR AMY >> Since wedding season seems to be ramping up, I have a question about destination weddings.

My goddaughter and her fiance have decided to marry in a very far-off foreign location this spring. This is not an easy trip, and it is expensive.

I assume she wanted a wedding that had very few people in attendance; she certainly could not expect her grandparents or anyone that could not afford the trip to attend. That's fine, but honestly I hate the philosophy: “It's the bride's day.”

A wedding used to be a celebration of two families joining.

The problem? Wedding shower invitations!

Why should I be invited to a shower hosted by people who know darn well the invitations were sent out to people who could in no way attend the wedding?

The reason for the shower invite: “Well, you WERE invited to the wedding” is disingenuous at best.

I do love my goddaughter, but I need you to help me understand it from another point of view, if you have one.

Am I off base?

— Homebound

DEAR HOMEBOUND >> I completely agree with you regarding the change of focus that far-off destination weddings impose. (I'm referring here to weddings that take place in locations where neither the bride or groom have any personal or family connection.)

It seems to me that most often these weddings greatly reduce the number of invited guests who are willing or able to attend.

Because of this, the invitation itself does seem disingenuous — and yet in this case, the couple are trying to recognize your close connection by inviting you. (Would you feel left out or insulted if you weren't invited?)

Because of the pressure imposed by destination weddings, wedding showers seem to be changing, too. These more local showers are morphing into wedding celebrations that for many guests are more affordable and easier to attend than those far-off tropical weddings.

I differ from you in your reaction to be insulted by this shower invitation. I see this as an opportunity to celebrate with the couple and their families and to express your support and joy for the couple.

Shower gifts are often more modest than wedding gifts, so the idea that the couple is somehow “trolling for gifts” (a common accusation) is, I think, beside the point.

I think you should embrace this opportunity to celebrate the wedding, and consider yourself spared from making a trip you can't afford — or simply don't want to — take.

And, of course, you can always respond to any shower invitation with a polite, “I'm so sorry I won't be able to make it to your shower! I wish you both joy and happiness, and hope you have a wonderful wedding.”