Husband won’t discuss feelings
Dear Annie: I am a Care Bear, and my husband is a cyborg. What I mean is that I get emotional from almost anything. I once cried during a commercial for laundry detergent. I know it sounds cliched, but I love happy endings, puppies, babies, the color pink and — of course — talking about my feelings.
My husband, on the other hand, is pretty much the exact opposite. I’ve never seen him cry. He barely talks to his siblings (although they’re a little nutty, but that’s a different letter). He is constantly on his phone either working or playing solitaire. And getting him to open up is like pulling teeth. Actually, I think pulling teeth might be easier, because he wouldn’t have to talk.
We have two kids, and he is great with them. He is super engaged and talks to them on their level. Maybe he feels safe because they won’t judge him.
He’s not mean or neglectful to me. He says “I love you.” But I can’t help feeling frustrated when I love talking about feelings and emotions and he doesn’t. How do I connect with a man who is so closed off ? — Funshine Bear
Dear Funshine: Opposites attract — and then drive each other nuts. But with effort, you and your husband can use your differences as a source of strength and balance. The key is good communication, even if your communication styles are totally different.
I would say your husband is more Secret Bear than cyborg. He has feelings. He just expresses them nonverbally, through actions — such as spending time with the kids or putting his arm around you when a Tide ad tugs at your heartstrings. Try to recognize these as legitimate expressions of love.
When you’d really like him to talk about something, let him know. Don’t be judgmental or accuse him of never opening up, as this would only make him withdraw further. Instead, put those Care-a-Lot skills to work and articulate how you feel.
Dear Annie: A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went to a beach bonfire for my cousin’s 15th birthday. We enjoyed chatting and catching up with the family. Everything was going great until I had to use the bathroom and, unfortunately, the only bathroom in sight was a port-a-potty.
I hate port-a-potties. They’re disgusting. I don’t even care if I find a freshly placed port-a-potty and I am the first person to use it. I still think they’re full of germs, and I get incredibly grossed out.
Anyway, after weighing my options and realizing that I could not hold it until I got home, my fate was sealed. I was going to have to use the port-a-potty.
I asked my boyfriend to walk over with me, and he didn’t get what the big deal was but agreed to walk with me. I told him that because he — as a man — doesn’t always have to get near the seat, he will never understand the trauma that is the portable toilet.
Why is this such an issue for me? I’m not germophobic or obsessed with cleanliness, but I can’t stand these things. — Reluctant Reliever
Dear Reluctant: I’ve never seen anyone heading into a porta-potty looking especially jazzed, but clearly it bothers you more than most. Your best bet is to be prepared. When you know you’re going to be in a situation where you might have to use a port-apotty, pack some hand sanitizer, toilet paper and toilet seat liners in your bag. It might also help to practice holding your breath. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.