A will is a gift to loved ones
My husband and I recently prepared our will. It was an arduous experience — two parts reality check and one part fantasy world. We had contingency plans for contingency plans that we put in writing a year ago and finally signed days before I had our second child this past fall. There’s nothing like having children to bring the topic of wills, power of attorney and health directives to the forefront.
Discussing hypothetical illness and death scenarios while 9 months pregnant doesn’t seem very joyful, but it was appropriately timed and gave me peace of mind. Should something have happened to me during childbirth, I did not want my family to have to guess what my wishes were or for my husband and parents to be at odds with one another about what to do.
Preparing a will and health directive is one of the most thoughtful things you can do for your family. While its contents may not please everyone, it will take the mystery out of what others think you might want in the event you are incapacitated or pass away.
If you think it’s not polite too bring up a loved one’s affairs while they’re still living, I can assure you the potential for impolite talk will reveal itself while a disorganized estate is hashed out with the relatives and those who think they are.
What’s the etiquette for bringing up the topic? Much of this depends on the dynamic of your relationship, what your goals are and current circumstances. There are many approaches, and here are a few ideas to keep the conversation civilized.
“There is never a great time to bring up these issues with a loved one, but the best time to do so is often when the possibilities of death or disability feel very remote,” advises local attorney Jenny F. Kaufman.
“Another time to raise these issues is when there has been a change in circumstance that makes you think about the ‘big picture.’ These might include a new baby, buying a house, moving, adopting a child, getting married, getting divorced. At these life junctures, bringing up estate planning can feel less out of the blue because it relates to a change in life circumstance.”
Parents and elders can get the ball rolling by talking about their wishes long before it’s necessary. My mother-in-law has always shared stories about her possessions, like the family photo albums and old letters, during visits to her home. She’s talked about how the vintage sofa in the living room made the journey to Gallup from her grandparents’ home in New York back in the 1940s. Being familiarized with her personal items and their histories has informed us about what has sentimental meaning but also what may have financial value. This openness has created the opportunity for conversation about who feels connected to certain items.
She has also been very open about what to do with her remains when she passes. Because she’s been so candid about her intentions and put them in her legal documents, no one has to make a decision for her or against the wishes of another. Talking about it normalizes the topic and prepares us for the inevitable.
For the child who wants to learn more about their parents’ or elders’ intentions, you can start by doing your own estate planning and use that as a conversation starter. Being familiar with the process and the terminology provides some talking points.
I know that should there be a traumatic event involving my husband or parent, I would want the guidance of that person’s health care directive and end-of-life wishes known. I don’t know if I could be prepared to make decisions on behalf of a loved one. If everything was laid out for me, perhaps I’d have the ability to remain more present. Talk about what your wishes are for yourself, and then ask about their wishes.
When my father was ill and it became obvious (and sadly accepted) that he was going to pass away, I felt a little bit less fearful of death. I asked him if he thought about where he wanted to be buried. We had never discussed anything like this, but we knew what was coming, and I wanted to know if he had envisioned a place where we, family, could visit him. I wanted his participation in a decision that would affect us children over the remainder of our lives. The moment presented itself, and it didn’t seem inappropriate.
There’s always the fly-by-the-seat-of-yourpants approach that scratches the surface but plants the seed for a deeper conversation. When my mother recently departed for an international trip, I asked where her safety deposit box key was and if she and her husband had a will for their dozens of horses, goats and dogs. I knew I was not going to take on the farm, and using a little humor made the topic approachable.
Never assume that just because someone is organized, has a large estate or the means to secure the services of an attorney that their ducks are in a legal row. One of my grandmothers worked for an attorney and probate court judge for decades and never prepared her will, to our shock.
“Make sure that your loved ones understand that you are not trying to dictate how to dispose of their property or give them advice about these issues, but rather that you want them to feel protected and empowered to make these decisions for themselves,” Kaufman says. Normalize the topics of estate planning and health care directives by talking early and often to take the guess work out of a difficult circumstance. Bizia Greene is an etiquette consultant and owner of the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to hello@etiqu ettesantafe. com or 505-988-2070.