When faced with abuse of power, forgo politesse
Over the years, I’ve amassed quite a collection of etiquette books. I’ve found vintage gems from the 1800s at yard sales and international guides on topics such as Maori customs and protocol of New Zealand while traveling.
Some of the old-fashioned etiquette of yore include reminders to never wear black or colored gloves to a ball and instructions on setting the table in the servantless household. Presentday topics include how to exchange business cards at a networking function and where to sit at a power lunch.
Out of the hundred or so books in my etiquette library, not one offers a lesson on when to not be polite. There are times when it is appropriate and necessary to be loud and furious.
The news out of Hollywood last week about producer Harvey Weinstein’s decades of alleged sexual harassment and assault downright disgusts. The dozens of women who bravely came forward shared similar stories of feeling pressured by the powerful executive, the gatekeeper to their budding careers, to join him in his hotel room, where they were subjected to unwanted advances and more.
The women were young and some too polite to refuse the invitation, too stunned to rebuff the advances and too scared to report what is clearly premeditated and predatory criminal behavior.
Etiquette is the sensitive awareness of people and place and thus adjusting behavior to graciously accommodate those variables but not at the risk of sacrificing one’s own safety and dignity. In the workplace, as in life, there are written and unwritten protocols on how to conduct one’s self. It’s not uncommon to use politesse to avoid conflict. But when bosses, co-workers or peers use power to intimidate, harass and bully, manners no longer matter. Street smarts, grit and honesty do. Speaking up against abuse of power is not polished or pretty, quiet or contained. For those raised to not rock the boat, it requires immense courage. And the outcome is unknown. It’s often a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. In the Weinstein story, shock and strength came in the numbers of women banding together after years of suffering in isolation. Speaking up gives back one’s strength and a sense of control. Bringing it to light helps limit reticent witnesses and abusers from enabling and normalizing such reprehensible behavior. One offense is one too many.
If you’ve found yourself the victim of assault, harassment or bullying, seek the appropriate channels. File a police report for any crimes committed. For workplace discrimination, bullying and intimidation, document the experiences (even by journaling), refer to an employee handbook, your state department of labor or the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission website, and report it to the employer or human resources.
Defending yourself against something that makes you uncomfortable may feel inappropriate and confrontational. Remind yourself that you were born with the unalienable right to dignity. If etiquette is about showing respect, start with yourself. Empowerment trumps power.