Mom’s patience is a must in mall Santa’s presence
’Tis the season for gifts, parties and visits with Santa Claus. Yours truly had the pleasure of visiting and interviewing the jolly old man once upon a time. This week, I revisit a few pointers for children, and their parents, about the ritual visit with Saint Nick.
While commercialism often overshadows the spirit of Christmas, the men who bring Santa to life in malls and stores and at seasonal parties do their best to embody the old saint’s original spirit and pass it along to their apprentice Santas.
That first visit to see Santa is an important rite of passage for youngsters. Often, Santa told me, he is the first adult outside the family that a child meets close up. “Santa is a sort of transition figure,” he said, “part of the family, like a favorite uncle, yet not really related. The meeting is in a busy public place, not at home. So it’s a whole new experience, and the child will frequently react in unexpected ways.”
Parents counter the unexpected with a stocking full of patience and good manners. When their child says he or she doesn’t want to talk to the man in red, respect that feeling. You may not understand the reason, and it may turn out to be a false fear. But to your child, the reason is emotionally real and overwhelmingly important.
“Don’t push a child,” Santa suggested. “Just come back later. I usually give that invitation, and add ‘Santa loves you, no matter what,’ and I do.” Sometimes, he added, later may mean next year. Santa is very patient.
“Often, Daddy or Mommy can break the ice by sitting with Santa on the big chair, to show that it’s OK. The worst thing I ever heard was a mother scolding the child or saying, ‘If you don’t sit up there for the picture, Santa won’t bring you any presents.’ I cringe, but I try to reassure the child and soothe the petulant parent. Their tantrums are just as bad — but bigger and less justifiable — than a child’s. That sort of thing can really warp a growing human being.” And, he added, the traditional candy cane is Santa’s gift at the end of the visit, not a bribe to a reluctant, tearful and frightened child. “Bribes aren’t very effective,” said the world’s most famous gift-giver.
Children’s Santa manners are more simple. Speak up clearly when you talk to Santa, be courteous in your request for toys and don’t be greedy. If Santa gives you a little gift, like a candy cane, say thank you, as you would for any gift or favor.
Somewhere around age 10 or so, the bubble bursts when children hear the playground rumor that Santa isn’t “real” but a man in a red suit and fake beard. “When a child comes up to the red chair and shyly confesses doubt, I respond with sympathetic understanding. Then I tell the child that, in a sense, everyone is Santa: parents in particular, because they love you more than anyone. If they’re ready for it, I induct them as ‘Santa’s Helpers,’ to carry on the tradition. Their first assignment is to give away their smile — just give it away to everyone you meet — and watch it bounce right back. As they get older, they grow into kind and generous adults.”
Parents are equally responsible with Santa for making the encounter a positive and nonthreatening experience. Sometimes, there is a conflict between the need to beware of strangers in general and the desire to be on good terms with that stranger in red. Parents need to validate that this whiskery old guy is a good guy (stores and malls take a lot of trouble to make sure their Santa is reliable), and in the process, help the child learn to understand how to value people on the basis of understanding the inner person, rather than the outer appearance. “That,” Santa said as I left, “may be the most valuable gift of all.”
Bizia Greene owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Share your comments and conundrums at hello@ etiquettesantafe.com or 505-988-2070.