Be open, listen when dealing with ‘disability’

“Learning disability.” When it comes to my sister, who has nonverbal learning disability, also known as NLD or NVLD, every time I hear those two words in succession, my fiery sister-defense mechanism kicks in, and I offer the term “learning difference” instead.

I don’t think of my sister as being “disabled.” If anything, she is more able than anyone I know to plow through books with unmatched attention to detail. She is able to silence a room with her astute, witty input. But legally and diagnostically, she does have a learning disability and is able to obtain special education services and academic accommodations, such as modifications to assignments.

Our relationship is just like every other sister duo. We’re snarky, devious, vulnerable and open with each other. But functionally and neurologically, we are different. Our brains aren’t wired the same, and sometimes I forget that. I recognize that I often quickly lose my patience and empathy when she acts awkwardly in social situations. And that is because I have failed to understand what she is experiencing. She tells me that I can be more honest with her by using compassion and silliness instead of confrontation.

NLD is one of many disorders associated with autism spectrum disorder, which includes a wide range of symptoms, skills and levels of disability. Other disorders on the spectrum include Asperger’s syndrome, semantic-pragmatic language disorder and broad autism phenotype. NLD is a far more recent diagnosis that some don’t consider to belong on the spectrum. It is a complex social and spatial learning disability that isn’t well understood. It is also a peculiar disorder because it is virtually invisible. People with NLD typically have trouble with nonverbal cues, such as reading body language and facial expressions.

All autism spectrum disorder disorders are vulnerable to insensitivity, indifference or, worse, bullying because some students don’t always take the initiative to stop and think about others’ experiences. There is hardly any reflection, consideration or empathy for those dealing with autism spectrum disorder issues, and though others may claim that they are “only teasing,” it can come off as a subtle yet hurtful form of bullying.

Sometimes the teasing and whispers will come to an end when kids finally realize that the student they are targeting is on the spectrum, and sometimes it will continue without intervention. Confronting insensitive students who target others is difficult and even scary. But bystanders have a crucial responsibility, and based on my sister’s experiences, as well as my own and those of people around me, I have learned the following: Don’t hesitate to intervene. Advocating for others might negatively affect you in the short term, but the long-term impact for others is invaluable.

I’ve also observed that people sometimes alter their behavior around people on the spectrum in that interactions can become disingenuous and even forced. This is frustrating for me to watch and especially uncomfortable for my sister to experience. We both recognize that being more sensitive to the experiences of others is important, but so is being authentic.

My sister has always talked about her NLD with openness, reiterating that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. That said, she wants others to know that no one should feel inhibited by or uncomfortable with curiosity. Being open and willing to listen, she says, can go a long way. I think that beyond that, people should remember to step outside of themselves and consider the impact — both negative and positive — they can have on others.