‘I worry what kind of man I’m raising’
For mothers, raising sons takes on a new level of responsibility amid sexual misconduct scandals
Of the many American women dismayed by the wave of sexual misconduct scandals, there’s a subgroup with distinctive hopes and fears: mothers of boys. Among them are women who have sought to raise their sons, sometimes from infancy, to shun sexist mindsets and be respectful of girls. Yet even some of these mothers worry about countervailing peer pressure their sons might face. And there’s uncertainty as to whether their sons’ generation, as adult men, will be less likely to perpetrate or condone sexual misconduct.
Danielle Campoamor, a New York-based writer and editor, has been wrestling with these questions even though her son, Matthias, is only 3. She says she feels extra pressure because she was sexually assaulted five years ago by a co-worker.
“I worry what kind of man I’m raising and how he’ll treat women and girls in his life,” said Campoamor, 30, who already takes Matthias to events where sexual misconduct is discussed.
“Does he understand? No,” she said. “But it won’t be a taboo topic later on. I hope he’ll have the courage to stand up for what’s right.”
In a recent article for the website Romper, Campoamor wrote that the scandals provide a “teachable moment” for her and Matthias.
“It is my responsibility to provide him with concrete examples of what to do, and what not to do, when he witnesses, hears about, or is a victim of sexual assault,” she wrote.
A Denver mom, Cynthia Bouné, said she and her husband set out early in parenthood to raise their two sons to resist sexist attitudes.
“With all the sexual harassment news, we’ve had a lot of family discussions and thank goodness our parenting style was validated,” Bouné wrote by email. “My boys were disgusted by the attitudes of predatory men.”
She recalled an incident when her oldest son, now 18, was a high school freshman, and walked away when some soccer teammates laughed about a cellphone video showing a drunken girl kissing numerous boys.
“I hope now that he is older he feels secure enough to not just walk away, but to call them out on it,” Boune wrote. “This is where the real work is.”
Long before the latest scandals, programs emerged aimed at reducing boy-girl gender friction and curtailing sexual harassment.
Among them is Coaching Boys Into Men, developed by the nonprofit Futures Without Violence.
Thousands of high school and middle school coaches have been trained to convey to their players the importance of treating young women with respect and avoiding abusive behavior.
Brian O’Connor, who runs the program, says the recent scandals have boosted interest among parents who’d like it implemented at their sons’ schools.
“You need a lot of political will to do it,” said Debra Hauser of Advocates for Youth, which contends that adolescents need “accurate and complete” sexual health information.
Hauser, who has a son and daughter in their 20s, says there’s a contentious argument nationwide over which traditional male behaviors are potentially harmful and which are worth preserving.
As for boys who harass and bully, “they aren’t born that way,” Hauser said. “They’re reflecting the culture, the image of what a male should be.”
Author Warren Farrell, whose books about gender issues include The Myth of Male Power and The Boy Crisis, says efforts to curtail sexual harassment would benefit from more understanding of the insecurities experienced by many boys. “In high school, a 15-year-old boy, the less mature sex, is expected to risk the rejection of the more mature sex,” Farrell said via email. “Having fewer social skills and being more likely to be a ‘failure to launch’, he may feel overwhelmed, withdraw and fall addict to the world of internet porn.”
From Portland, Ore., Lisa Frack founded a Facebook group in 2016 called Raising Feminist Sons. It now has more than 670 members.
Frack says her 14-year-old son respects her principles, but he and his friends sometimes bridle at the word “feminism” and seem untroubled by misogynistic music lyrics.
“If a friend posts a sexist Snapchat, they don’t feel they have to call it out,” she said.