How to delicately handle those friends with tedious habits
This month, readers wrote in with their conundrums about a range of topics, tackling issues from public grooming to chatty cellphone users.
“Have some people become so comfortable at their regular favorite spots that they behave like it’s their home?” Vicki from Cañada de los Alamos writes.
In a nutshell, yes! I’ve received a number of questions and commentaries lately about private behavior in public settings. Several readers mentioned people talking “loudly in person and on their cellphone in nice (high end) restaurants,” which seems to be a big gripe with fellow patrons.
One flyer was aghast on a plane when a fellow passenger began clipping their nails.
“I had a man sitting next to me in-flight floss his teeth … TWICE,” writes another reader.
Cellphones have set the bar low for public behavior. They are common around the world, carried by people from all age groups and, because of their multiple uses, are pulled out regularly to access calendars and grocery lists, and to take photos.
They are like an appendage we’ve become accustomed to seeing attached to the human body, no matter the setting.
I even use mine as an electronic baby book, recording milestones in the “notes” application.
I think we have such relaxed standards about cellphone habits that other personal habits seem second nature in public. But what to do about all those annoying habits?
“Here’s a twist,” offers a reader. “What about how to ask someone to be polite? We all know, for example, that chewing with your mouth open, talking inappropriately loud, eating things with your hands that shouldn’t be eaten with your hands, etc. is all rude. … But what to do if your friend/family member/date is the culprit?”
This is a great question — but
easier thought than said if the offender is not your school-age child.
This is where leading by example comes into play. Etiquette is never about pointing out one’s faults but tactfully lending a guiding hand. For the cellphone addicted: Does your date pay more attention to a smartphone than you? Try setting expectations in advance by saying something like this:
“I feel like I’ve been on my phone all week. I’m going to blow a fuse if another call comes in. Could we leave our phones in the car over dinner?”
“I know we all have projects to attend to and our time is important. Let’s plan to check our phones halfway through lunch and maximize our face time the rest of the meal.”
“I’m expecting an important email/call/text, so I’ll have to pop out for a few minutes when it comes in.”
“It’s too easy to glance down at our phones. Can we agree to turn them off until we leave?”
Planning a party? Tell guests that the event is “phone free” in the invitation.
Got kids? Give the babysitter the phone number of your destination and skip looking at your phone.
For the open-mouthed chewer: Chew with your mouth closed, and when your offending guest asks you a question, bring attention to the fact that you’re chewing by raising your finger toward your mouth. Or point upward to indicate that you need a moment. If your friend chews with an open mouth, you can playfully say, “Enjoy your food, it can wait” or “I don’t want you to choke.”
Tell an offending guest that this week you are practicing table manners at home with little Joey because he eats like he was raised in a barn.
If all else fails, only meet for drinks.
For the loud talker: Speak in hushed tones to help bring your fellow diner’s voice down, or kindly tell your date you feel like everyone can hear your conversation. Whisper, “It feels like a library in here” — with a smile.
Other options include choosing loud restaurants or nondining settings.
For the groomer: Primping is done in private, either for sanitary reasons or for the sanity of those around you. Hair brushing, nail clipping and nail filing (grooming that creates dust, dander or waste) is done in a bathroom, lavatory or at home. I get it, travel can be long and boring, but that time should be filled with activities that do not offend or sprinkle your seatmates.
Quick makeup application, such as applying lipstick or powdering one’s nose discreetly, may be done in public. For business, I pop up to the washroom. When someone forgets their surroundings, try saying, “Were we booked for a spa date? This seems a little bold for outside the locker room,” or “May I show you the washroom?” Some personal standards are worth standing up for.
It’s important to remember that someone’s personal habits may only be obvious or offensive to you personally. And we may be blind to our own quirky behavior.
Delicate friends with unyielding habits may not be worth sensitive commentary. Doing so can make someone feel very selfconscious and alter the course of a friendship. If your friend does not see your example or hints, then change strategy, such as when and where you meet.
Maybe it’s you who are sensitive and you just have to gear up and focus on other positive attributes.
Either way, having a critical eye is a good reminder to look within and see how we may improve by modeling our best selves inside and out. Bizia Greene is an etiquette expert and founder of the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to 505-988-2070 or hello@etiquettesantafe.