Springtime ushers in common wedding-planning conundrums
Happy Passover and happy Easter this beautiful spring weekend. I wish you and yours a special holiday filled with loved ones, dear friends and delicious meals.
’Tis the season for wedding planning, as well. Couples celebrating summer nuptials are deep in the throes of editing invitations, attending dress fittings and sampling menu tastings. I remember spring wedding planning felt like a full-time job leading up to our summer affair. Here are some recent and very common conundrums that many couples and parents face in the planning process.
Question: My son is getting married. The two of them have a simple, laidback, beachy lifestyle and do not want a lot of things. But they have requested money in lieu of gifts. How do I politely phrase that in a reception invitation? — J.G., Santa Fe
Answer: Congratulations! Requesting money is very common today. Many couples are cohabitating before marriage and already have the toaster, fry pan and linens. City dwellers are living more simply in smaller accommodations. And many young people cannot afford to buy a home to house the contents of a registry.
There are a number of registries that cater to just receiving money that look polished and sophisticated. Having said that, it is not tradition nor proper to include any information about gifts and registries in the invitation suite. Registries are typically shared by word of mouth by the parents and wedding party and, in this modern era, on a wedding website. The websites are very helpful for providing information about travel, lodging and the schedule of events. It and the invite really set the tone for the wedding — the first impression, if you will.
The website can include a link to the registry or an electronic way to make the payment. Bringing a monetary gift to the wedding or mailing it to the couple’s home is acceptable and should be included with a greeting card.
Typically, the couple would explain what they are saving up for: a honeymoon, a new home, an Airstream for adventure. It helps the giver know where their money is going instead of the impersonal transaction of giving cash. A guest wants their gift to be special to mark the occasion, so there will be those who select their own material gift, which should be graciously accepted as well.
When your son and future daughterin-law write their thank-you notes, they can enrich the letter by explaining what they put the money toward without mentioning the monetary amount or how it was received.
“Thanks for the PayPal payment” just doesn’t feel special. They can use terms such as “generous gift” or “contribution.” They should flesh out their feelings and excitement about the intended item, whether it has materialized or is still on the radar.
The internet makes wedding planning as laid-back and beachy as your son and future daughter-in-law. For ideas on monetary registries try: www.honeyfund.com www.theknot.com/content/cashregistry-the-newlywed-fund For ideas on wedding websites try: www.rileygrey.com www.squarespace.com For inspirations on phrasing, enjoy these cleverly written requests for money from across the pond:
www.confetti.co.uk/wedding-ceremonies/traditions-customs/invitationetiquette-how-to-ask-for-gift-of-cash
Question: We are planning our summer wedding and want to know how to tell guests that we are not including children. Do we put it in the invitation or the website, or do I call each family personally? — L.N., Miami
Answer: The polite way to tell guests that their children are not invited is to not say it all. It’s all in how you phrase things. First, how you address the invitation indicates who is invited.
If the children’s names are not included on the envelope, they are not invited.
Second, one must assume that anyone traveling for a wedding may bring the family out of necessity or for a holiday. It is your responsibility to include an insert in your invitation suite or on your wedding website with contact information for child care.
Ask local hotels and nanny agencies for recommendations.
Most large cities and resort towns have baby-sitting services. You might even arrange for child care on behalf of the parents and block a hotel room or two. Enlist your bridal party to spread the word verbally by having them check in with families to confirm that sitters are booked.
Infants under 6 months old are often the exception and typically make for a quiet guest. Parents of these young tots should be contacted personally and given the green light.
If you are hosting multiple events, be clear about what events the whole family is invited to (e.g. “Children Welcome”). On the receiving end, guests must understand that there are a number of reasons children may not be included.
They can double a guest list and budget or make a dream venue too small. Some couples choose adult-only celebrations so all the guests can let their hair down.
Here are some clever ways to phrase “Adults only”:
“On the wedding day, professional baby-sitting will be provided at the hotel.”
“We adore your children. These sitters will, too: ###.”
“Parents’ night off ! Baby-sitters available here: ###.”
“A grown-up affair, a night of revelry. Your children will thank you. ABC Sitters ###.”
“Due to limited venue space, grown-ups only please.”
Bizia Greene is an etiquette expert and founder of the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to 505-988-2070 or hello@etiquette santafe.com.