Got pride? Support LGBTQ community
Iwas addressing envelopes for a stack of birthday and graduation cards (I still believe in the power and delight of paper stationery) when it occurred to me how automatically I wrote out titles such as Mr., Mrs., Master and Miss without hesitation.
It wasn’t until a recent interview with a gender-nonconforming activist that I became educated in new titles and more inclusive forms of address. My interviewee, Kei Cypher, is agender, someone who identifies as having no gender or being without a gender identity.
Upon meeting, Cypher warmly greeted me with “Hi. My name is Kei. I use they, them pronouns. What do you use?” I stumbled while searching for my pronoun and offered a sheepish “she.” I’d never been asked before. I felt a sudden onset of faux pas fever coming on.
The point of etiquette is to make people feel comfortable and supported while building confidence to navigate a variety of situations. I can’t think of a better example than the LGBTQ-plus community during Pride Month.
Times are changing and etiquette must evolve. Writing new rules normalizes a topic that has kept people ostracized and in the shadows for too long.
Decades of activism and education have brought greater understanding and acceptance of gays. The recent Supreme Court ruling in favor of a bakery owner denying a wedding cake to a gay couple on religious grounds is a setback and frankly outdated and irresponsible. Perhaps I’m living in a bubble here in Santa Fe, but the baker and the court are living on the wrong side of history.
Using Pride Month as a stepping-off point, here are some actions we can take as a community and as individuals to support our LGBTQ-plus friends and family. As a business owner: Provide gender-neutral bathrooms. On preprinted forms, include “Mx.” as a title choice, and use it in written and verbal communications. Pronounced “mix,” the X replaces R or S. Also, leave a blank space for gender rather than just offering M and F as options.
Offering these choices brings about “gender euphoria and validation,” Mx. Cypher said. They went on to say that these gestures are powerful statements that make transgendered and nonbinary customers and clients feel “welcome, included, heard,” and “I can feel safe and secure.”
Reach out to Albuquerque’s Transgender Resource Center of New Mexico for guidance and trainings to make work and school environments more inclusive. As a host or master of ceremonies:
Instead of greeting your audience with “Ladies and gentlemen,” try “Esteemed guests/colleagues” or “Good morning, everyone.” When you use the wrong pronoun:
Apologize, make the correction (or ask for it) and move on. It’s human to err, so try harder. Remember that it will always be more difficult for the person living the experience than it is for you to get your pronouns straight. When children are not so subtle in public:
This is the make-it-or-break-it defining moment that you have an enormous responsibility to handle with grace. Children mirror their parents’ or caregivers’ behaviors, so if you’re uncomfortable, they will be, too, which perpetuates the stigma and isolation of the LGBTQ-plus community.
When Sally asks, “Why is that man wearing lipstick?” avoid the programmed response that it is impolite to talk about strangers. You can tell her that some boys do wear lipstick and that’s OK.
For a variety of scenarios, you could try, “Do you think that only boys/ girls can do/wear that?”
Use this as a teachable moment to expand the idea of gender, which is more of a social construct than biological. Most importantly, don’t shut your child down. When someone comes out to you:
This is an umbrella term for when someone announces their gender identity or sexual orientation, which are not related.
Promote better outcomes by being supportive and showing love: listen, tell them you love them, ask what support they are looking for from you and do your best to support them.
A local chapter of PFLAG — Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays — is a valuable and supportive resource center. When ordering your wedding cake:
Ask bakers if they cater gay unions or weddings, and bring your business elsewhere if they don’t.
While my delivery may be light and sweet, it only scratches the surface. Individuals coming to terms with their gender identity and sexual orientation face an uphill road riddled with prejudice and abuse, leading to astronomical suicide rates.
Mx. Cypher attempted suicide at age 13. At 14, they were sent to a barbaric conversion therapy camp in neighboring Colorado that can only be described as systematic torture. The descriptions were so horrific that I still feel the loss of my breath weeks after our interview.
On a positive note, New Mexico banned conversion xtherapy for minors just last year.
States that legalized gay marriage before the Supreme Court declared it legal nationwide in 2015 — as New Mexico did in 2013 — saw significant reductions in teen suicide by simply reducing the stigma associated with sexual orientation.
The LGBTQ-plus topic is complex and deserving of broader interest and understanding. As Mx. Cypher concluded, “Just like figuring out which fork to use, a little decorum and respect makes it easier.”
Bizia Greene is an etiquette expert and owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to hello@ etiquettesantafe.com or 505-988-2070.