'It's not love when he hits you'

Expert say abusive teenage relationship - whether physical or psychological - are common than some might think, but help is available

Kate was 15 the first time she was hit by her partner. She had just moved to a new school and a boy in her freshman class began texting her. Two weeks later, he asked her on a date. “We just really clicked,” said Kate, who asked that her real name not be used. “I didn’t have many friends, and this was someone showing an interest in me. It was a way to break into a friend group; it was a way to get started at this new school.”

They dated for eight months. From the start, Kate said she noticed “a lot of little manipulative things.”

The boy, she recalled, would tell her what she could wear and with whom she was allowed to be friends. By month three, she said, he’d begun slapping her. By month six, “he was punching me for the first time,” she said.

Troy Campbell, the resident services operations manager for the Esperanza Shelter, a local domestic violence organization, calls teen dating violence an “epidemic.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly 23 percent of women who experience intimate partner violence are first abused before the age of 18. The same report found that about 14 percent of men experienced teen dating violence.

More than 12 million women and men of all ages are subjected to some form of domestic violence in the United States each year, from rape to physical violence to stalking. While teens don’t necessarily experience higher rates of intimate partner violence than their adult counterparts, experts say younger victims can be more susceptible to technological abuse and face increased risk of depression or unhealthy behaviors.

Domestic violence, Campbell explained, is not a single-symptom epidemic. While the physical abuse, like hitting and hair pulling and scratching is “what everybody typically knows as domestic violence,” he says other forms usually happen more often. These include psychological and emotional abuse, such as name calling and controlling behaviors like stalking and isolation. Campbell also said financial and sexual abuse are vastly more prevalent in teenage relationships than one might assume. These tactics can escalate. “It starts someplace and ends somewhere else,” Campbell said about the arc of abusive relationships.

Kate said she experienced a multitude of abusive behavior, including isolation and control, alongside physical violence and emotional manipulation.

“I grew unhappy about month three. I realized that this was manipulative, it wasn’t healthy,” Kate remembered. “But he limited my group of friends … so if I broke up with him, I wouldn’t have anyone. He was my entire identity at that point.”

Shana Aldahl, special projects coordinator for the New Mexico Coalition Against Domestic Violence, said teens sometimes don’t realize these actions are abusive.

“Teens may become so entrenched in a relationship that they may mistake some of the tactics used by the abuser such as isolation and stalking as a sign that they are loved and wanted,” Aldahl said. “This is especially true for teens that may lack social connections.”

While Aldahl said adolescents don’t necessarily experience higher rates of intimate partner violence than their adult counterparts, they can be more vulnerable to technological abuse — being harassed online through social media, threatening text messages, sexting or having personal photos shared.

Teens who face abuse also can experience a heightened risk of depression, anxiety, antisocial or unhealthy behaviors and suicidal tendencies, according to the CDC.

When she was being abused, Kate said she turned to an illegal activity as an outlet.

“When I was dating him, I went through a huge kleptomania phase,” Kate said. “I would steal things, and part of it for me was that something I had control over was stealing.”

While Kate said she’s always taken medication for anxiety and depression, she “definitely felt more depressed and more alone” during the relationship.

Eventually, with the help of a trusted friend, Kate got out of the relationship. Still, her initial feelings about the breakup were mixed.

“Even though he was hurting me and was actively terrible, there was this dependency he created that was very real, and my whole life was around him,” she said. “It’s not always as easy as just getting out. Sometimes victims aren’t ready to let go when dependency like that is cultured and created.”

The psychological consequences of abuse are often felt by victims long after they get out of an abusive relationship, said Sophie Andar, community prevention coordinator for Santa Fe Public Schools’ Office of Student Wellness.

“A lot of people don’t understand the lasting effects. Survivors of violence have [post-traumatic stress disorder],” Andar said. “It’s important to allow people space and time and support on their healing journey.” What can you do if you suspect someone close to you might be experiencing abuse in their relationship or at home? Campbell said the best thing to do is talk to someone who can help. Ideally, he added, ask the victim if he or she is willing to get help and offer to go with them to seek it out.

“If you’re friends with that person, have a conversation with them and say, ‘Hey, what’s going on? I’m worried about you, I’m concerned about you,’ ” Campbell suggested. “Come from the lens of concern. … The last thing that a person who’s in that situation wants to experience is judgment.”

Even for teens who don’t necessarily feel safe telling an adult in their inner circle, he said, there are resources available, including youth shelters and hotlines. In situations of immediate danger, he said, someone should call the police.

“Whatever might come out of it, if your safety is at risk, you should be calling 911 and getting law enforcement out to either help you or to get ahold of the person who’s perpetrating the violence against you,” Campbell said. Kate said she understands that isn’t always easy. “I mean, it’s embarrassing stuff,” she said, echoing the feelings of many abuse victims who find themselves struggling with feelings of guilt and shame.

Her advice for people who find themselves in similar predicaments to the one she found herself in three years ago:

“You gotta just focus on your own identity and figure out who you are without this person. You really have to take note of the red flags. Like, love is blind …” she said, trailing off.

A moment later, she added: “But it’s not love when he hits you.”

Aldahl said her one piece of advice for teen victims of dating violence is to trust their gut.

“If you feel uncomfortable in your relationship and think you may be a victim of dating violence, then you probably are,” Aldahl said. “Trust your instincts. Abuse is not normal and is not your fault, and only the person who is being abusive can change their behavior.”

Acacia Burnham is a recent New Mexico School for the Arts graduate.