Baby girl brings joy to nontraditional family
One of Paetyn’s parents is a trans man who gave birth to her; other father is a gay man
Paetyn, an impish 1-year-old, has two fathers. One of them gave birth to her. As traditional notions of gender shift and blur, parents and children like these are redefining the concept of family. Paetyn’s father Tanner, 25, is a trans man: He was born female but began transitioning to male in his teens and takes the male hormone testosterone. “I was born a man in a female body,” he said. His partner and Paetyn’s biological father is David, 35, a gay man.
Their daughter, they agree, is the best thing that ever happened to them.
“She’ll grow up in a very diverse home,” David said. “We surround her with people who are different.”
In addition to their day jobs — David works at an insurance exchange, Tanner at an autoparts store, a cleaning service and a bar — Paetyn’s fathers are both drag performers at a local club near their home in upstate New York. To protect their privacy, only their first names are being used.
Trans men have conceived on purpose, but Tanner isn’t one of them. In his case, it happened by accident after he missed a few doses of testosterone, and he didn’t suspect he was pregnant until the morning sickness hit. It was a shock, but he and David said that from the start, there was no doubt that they wanted the baby.
“We get to have a child that’s biologically ours, which is an opportunity a lot of people in our community don’t have,” David said.
The first time they saw the fetal heartbeat on ultrasound, they wept.
“I can still see it as clear as day in my head,” David said. “It was a life-changing moment.”
Tanner said, “On the first one, she looked like a little peanut. Next time, boom! It was a baby. You could see the spine and everything. It was so cool. I saw her hands, and it was like, ‘You’ll be a drummer or learn sign language.’ It blew my mind.”
Tanner had to stay off testosterone until the birth, but he had no interest in ever identifying as female again or dressing as a woman.
“Yeah, I’m a pregnant man,” he told friends and acquaintances. “What? I’m pregnant. I’m still a man. You have questions? Come talk to me. You have a problem with it? “Don’t be in my life.” Tanner stuggled growing up, identifying as a male in a female body. Over time, he began to transition socially — to live as a man, asking friends and family to refer to him as he or him. After a year in college, he began taking testosterone. Gradually, his voice dropped, facial hair grew in, his periods stopped, his neck and jaw thickened, and his body fat shifted, giving him a more masculine build. It felt right.
“When you transition, you’re free,” he said. “It was the best decision of my life.”
He did not expect to fall in love with a man, but that is exactly what happened with David, a longtime friend — who had not quite envisioned himself with a trans man as a partner. “David came out of left field,” Tanner said. Tracing his own path — from bisexual to lesbian, drag king, trans man, gay man, pregnant man — Tanner laughed and said, “I’m literally every letter of LGBTQ.”
As his belly expanded into its unmistakable shape, Tanner spent more and more time at home, fearful that out on the street, the sight of a pregnant man would invite trouble. And, he said, “I just didn’t want to be judged.”
As fathers to be, they got some of their most enthusiastic congratulations from the drag world — the regulars at the club where both men perform, dancing and lip-syncing, Tanner as a drag king and David as a sassy, 6-foot-tall drag queen in a tight skirt and size 12-wide high heels.
Apart from home, Tanner’s only real comfort zone while pregnant was the bar where he and David performed.
Being pregnant was difficult. “I didn’t enjoy it,” Tanner said. “I kept to myself.”
It was not an easy birth. Doctors began to induce labor on a Friday, and Tanner struggled through labor all weekend. He had an epidural while watching the Super Bowl. It did not work.
On Monday, monitors suddenly showed the baby’s heart rate slowing, and doctors rushed him to the operating room for an emergency cesarean.
“Do you want to cut the cord?” a nurse asked David.
“They gave me scissors, and it felt like cutting a rubber band,” he said. “Then they gave Tanner the baby, and we cried.”
Paetyn is a smiling, curious, easygoing baby. Her fathers dote on her, scrambling eggs or cooking cereal and mixing it with yogurt for her breakfast. She chugs bottles of formula.
When David comes home from his day job, he scoops her up and cuddles her. She grins at his kisses.
“She is so awesome,” he said.