The key to navigating a busy visit with grace? One group gathering

This week, readers write in about conundrums relating to circles of friends and circles of physical space.

Question: I’m returning to Santa Fe on vacation from the East Coast after living there years ago. My closest friends know I’m coming with my new husband of two years. But there are some friends who I have been out of touch with since our wedding. Should I let them know I’m in town? My time is limited. — New York

Answer: Being from the Northeast, I can relate to this tricky situation. I’ve spent 20 years making annual pilgrimages to multiple New England states and Toronto, and not necessarily in the same trip. Sometimes my days are scheduled like I’m speed-dating.

My latest strategy is to use my time more wisely while ensuring I enjoy my surroundings. I attempt to stay put by staying in one property and invite everyone I know to join my family there or at an area bar or restaurant on a specific date over the course of a few hours — the understanding being that if we’ve traveled 2,000 miles, locals can hopefully work with our schedule.

The moment the flight is booked, I send out the invite to give plenty of notice.

Having one place to stay means I can also schedule my circle of friends and family for staggered visits there, so I’m not always on the go, which slows the pace down. If your visits are years apart, I recommend inviting friends from your multiple circles to one group gathering. If they can’t make it, at least they feel included, which is better than learning you were in town and never reached out.

Since your nuptials were quite recent in the big picture, invite former guests to your gathering. Any person who traveled far and wide for your wedding has made a large investment in your future and friendship.

Question: As usual, your piece on theater etiquette (June 24) is right on the button. But there was one item you failed to address: Perfume. As one who is allergic to most of the scents on the market, even the expensive ones, I have had several very uncomfortable theater experiences — and as a result, those around me weren’t especially happy, either.

When one has paid for a ticket, one is disinclined to leave. But a tickle invites a cough; eye watering starts one searching for a tissue. One cannot tell the offender to leave. Should I start using a gas mask in the theater? All I ask is that the scent used is smelled only by the user. — Santa Fe

Answer: I have a friend who wears a signature scent that is only detectable if I hug her. You really have to go in close to notice it. A little rubs off on me that I carry like a souvenir of a happy and welcome encounter. I happen to enjoy her company and love perfume, so it’s a win-win for me.

For some, scent is an emotional reminder of a season or loved one keeping memories alive. Sometimes we wear it for ourselves or for others. And don’t get me started on the bottles — often sculptural pieces of art.

What is unwelcome is when scent walks through the door before you do and that refers to body odor, fragrance (in soaps and lotions, too), aftershave and laundry detergent.

It’s not unusual to have a sensitivity to fragrance, which is often full of chemicals and irritants. One must also be mindful of how those ingredients affect our health.

Since etiquette is about being aware and respectful of our surroundings, pay attention to all the obvious and hidden sources of scents that may be announcing your arrival.

Selecting a scent that suits you requires an investment of your time. Body chemistry effects how a perfume will smell on you and why it may smell different on a friend. Perfume is made up of top notes, middle notes and base notes, which are revealed over time. A spritz at the cosmetic counter will change by the time you get in your car. And what you smell on a sample card may not smell the same on you. Take your time selecting a scent and consider alternatives like essential oils.

The tricky part about wearing perfume is that although only the wearer should smell it, another point is to appear attractive to others. Otherwise the ads wouldn’t be about seduction.

When it comes to applying perfume, it’s all in the wrist, so to speak: The perfect application ensures the fragrance does not waft outside of your physical circle — typically arm’s length. It’s not uncommon to become nose blind to a favorite perfume, so it’s important to not over compensate — apply using the same method every time to ensure consistency.

Apply directly to skin and not clothing. If you use the cloud walking method, do so before you dress, using one to two spritzes. If you want more control over your scent, consider an oil or use a roller ball. The most popular method is to apply to the wrists, rub and then rub your wrists on your neck. However, some say that the rubbing crushes the scent and heats it up quickly. Consider applying to the nape of the neck. Others like the crook in the elbow, behind the knees or behind the ear. Just don’t cover all your body parts at once.

If your shampoo or body lotion is scented, forgo the perfume.

Using fragrance to cover up body odor? Eau contraire and terribly obvious.

Go very light or avoid altogether fragrance on airplanes and close confines, job interviews and offices where there is a nofragrance policy.

When in doubt, ask an honest friend, “How do I smell?” and “How far away do you smell me?”