Supporting loved ones at time of loss begins with listening
The Labor Day weekend is symbolic of so many things measuring time — changing of the seasons, the start of school, a mental shift in focus for the remainder of the year.
Our family finds itself in a stretch of endings, beginnings and in-betweens.
We wrapped our summer up with a trip to visit family, only to arrive during a medical emergency and, ultimately, the unexpected passing of my uncle who we were staying with.
Brisk lake swims were traded for bedside vigils; lively family gatherings for poignant reflections with and about an unresponsive loved one.
I was struck by the level of calm and maturity, given the shocking turn of events in which only one outcome presented itself. Talking about the imminent passing of a loved one is a sensitive but not necessarily improper conversation. It is a beautiful thing when families find a comfort level in discussing it because, if left unspoken, it is the elephant in the room.
Whether in close or casual relations, being a good listener is the first thing you can do to be supportive in these circumstances. You don’t need answers or to know how to solve the problem. The person sharing their news may just need to release.
Be empathetic and choose your words thoughtfully.
Start out with, “I’m sorry. This must be difficult for you.” Be approachable but not casual with fallbacks like, “You’ll be fine” and “I know how you feel.”
Offer support by asking, “How can I help?” or “Tell me what you need” to elicit an immediate and specific response, versus, “Let me know if I can do anything,” which is too open-ended for someone who doesn’t want to be a burden and has a lot on their mind.
One may not need more casseroles to overflow the freezer but someone to walk the dog with or to talk with over coffee — or not.
And speaking of talking, find the most effective communication method. Since death and dying span generations, whether to pick up the phone, or send an email or a card is dictated by the age of the recipient. There’s no harm in doing all of the above at different times, but investigate how best to get your message through. A simple one-liner such as, “I’m holding space for you today” or sharing a story about the dying or deceased person shows care and thought that lift the spirits of those facing a sad situation.
It’s assumed a partner or close relative will face a barrage of communication and that one more message might overwhelm, but I recommend reaching out during the chaos and after. Especially long after, when things have settled and routines are resumed.
The first holiday or birthday after losing a loved one, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day and long weekends, such as this, make a loss feel more pronounced. Traditions and rituals are upside down, and comparisons to the past are highlighted.
I recommend making note of these on your calendar, along with the anniversary date of one’s passing, which fade from our memories but not the memories of those left behind.
Plan activities to keep an emotional friend (or yourself ) busy but not overwhelmed. For the person who is on every invite list, he or she may benefit more from solitude than socializing.
For the more introverted friend, a walk in the park or a one-on-one lunch date may be a comfortable way to get out of the house. The important thing is to recognize boundaries and what will promote a comforting experience sprinkled with some healthy distraction.
Those with a departed loved one can honor their memory through ceremonies or rituals. New traditions like making a contribution to charity, going on a hike or visiting the grave may bring comfort.
As a supportive friend, it is important to balance your emotional bandwidth with your abilities to absorb them. Everyone expresses grief in their own way, some more taxing than others for the supportive friend.
Laughing through grief may seem antithetical, but the healing benefits help ease the pain. While some may find it objectionable or mistake humor as a sign that one is deflecting, it’s a coping mechanism that can keep the bereaved afloat, focused and functioning. A moment of laughter is a wonderful respite. Lighten the mood by sharing humorous stories with those who might need a boost.
And respect those in the deep funk. Grief knows no timeline, and what seems like a wellintended push can feel like a shove for those who process in a more emotional way.
My vacation dates were fate giving me time to be fully present for my aunt and for lingering visits at the bedside of my uncle, who we spoke to as if he were conscious (always assume they hear you).
And when he passed, I still had several days to help my aunt with tasks ranging from boiling water for tea to securing the venue for the service.
I returned home in time to see my son off to his first day of kindergarten. It was a rite of passage in a week of life changes — the way this weekend marks a change in our course.
We find ourselves in the inbetween, so to speak, honoring grief and new beginnings simultaneously. Bizia Greene is an etiquette expert and founder of the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to 988-2070 or hello@etiquettesantafe.