The ups & downs of failure
While disappointments and setbacks can be difficult for teens, teachers and researchers say they’re an important part of growing up and critical to future success
When Capital High junior Joaquin Faulkner didn't pass his history in the first semester of his sophomore year, he thought he wasn't going to graduate. Without the credit, he learned, he would be unable to get his diploma. In the moment, it was devastating news. It meant failure.
Struggles such as this are a common occurrence for teens as well as adults. Be it getting a bad grade in a class, having an unsuccessful job interview or suffering a defeat in an artistic endeavor, failure is something everyone experiences. Nonetheless, it can be a hard thing to come to terms with for many teens.
Teachers and researchers see both pros and cons to failure. They acknowledge that it can be emotionally painful and in some cases damaging to one’s mental health; however, they also believe failure is an essential and rewarding learning experience.
Faulkner has since earned his history credit, but it wasn’t easy.
He believes that dealing with failure as a teen is harder than it will be as an adult.
“When we’re growing up, we’re getting our emotions set in place and that’s one of the biggest challenges in life — not knowing where you fit in,” Faulkner said. “Teens definitely struggle more with that because they’re trying to find themselves and make sure they don’t mess up.”
Capital High School teacher Shantel Dixon understands that.
An Advancement Via Individual Determination, or AVID, teacher, Dixon works with high school students to refine their skill sets and help them become successful in high school and beyond. She recognizes that failures and disappointments can be taxing on her students.
“If something doesn’t go the way they expected it to, it’s really a huge curveball in their life,” Dixon said. “It takes a lot to get them to feel it, then deal with it and get over it.”
And such failures can be detrimental to health, said Ryan Swanson a University of New Mexico professor who teaches a class called Legacy of Failure: Losing and Losers. He said that if a teen experiences “a succession of failures, one after another, it can contribute to self-image. The climate of failure around someone can absolutely make that situation seem even worse or more difficult.”
High school dropout Evelyn Villegas, 16, is acutely aware of the emotional repercussions of failure. A sequence of family challenges led her to where she is now, she said, living without a guardian and working at Blake’s Lotaburger to pay her rent, having her car towed because it was not insured and trying to make the best decision for her future as she looks into the possibility of going back to school. All of these pressures drastically affect her mental state, she said, and she often gets sick from stress.
“I get so angry and sad and I don’t want to do anything,” Villegas said.
Though the many negative connotations of failure may be frightening, Swanson said it’s important not to fear failure, because fear can prevent people from taking risks and stepping outside their comfort zones.
Dixon said that in her experience, some of the most high-achieving students are successful because “they don’t fear what the risk might be.” However, Swanson believes that it’s just as important not to be overly confident. The key is balance, he said. That is, teens must be rational and realize that some ventures are unlikely to succeed. The possibility of failure should be acknowledged but not feared.
“I don’t think there’s any point in life where you’re done failing,” Swanson said.
Dixon sees failure as an opportunity to learn.
“In my personal experience, anytime that I felt like I failed at something, I was able to grow,” Dixon said. “I felt like I did something better the next time that kind of a situation came up.”
Similarly, Swanson believes that the experience of failure is a necessity.
He said that if a teen hasn’t experienced a
"significant setback, they likely have been too sheltered. "It's a problem if you don't get a chance to stretch yourself and fail," he said. "I've seen a lot of examples personally of teens who have struggled with classes, or struggled to fit in, or
struggled with sports, and by the time they get to college, they’re really resilient.”
Faulkner agrees that, without the experience of failure, teens may not know how to cope with challenges that do come their way.
He compares the experience to dating in high school — even though that highschool romance is unlikely to last very long, the experience equips teens with the tools to successfully handle relationships later on in life.
While failure can be both constructive and helpful, Dixon said, she believes teens need healthy coping strategies to deal with setbacks. When her students fail, she tells them: “You need to feel this, you need to reflect on it, and you need to move forward, because dwelling in the past gets you absolutely nowhere. See if you can utilize what that felt like to motivate yourself and create a change.”
Dixon and Swanson agreed that it is not productive for teens to blame others for their own setbacks. Teens, like adults, should take responsibility for their struggles, setbacks and, of course, achievements.
Villegas said she is trying to follow this model.
“I’m just trying to think positive,” she said. “I’m trying to be smart about everything. That’s why I want to go back to school.”
Faulkner copes by spending time in the theater if he feels defeated or let down. He is passionate about acting and feels supported by his friends and peers. His recommendation to teens struggling with failure: “Do something you love. Don’t get into the deep abyss of doing illegal stuff and drugs.”
Life, Faulkner said, “is like a set of stairs. You’re going to fail on the way up. You’re going to fall and get hurt and miss a step, but the biggest thing is that even if you have a few bumps in the road you shouldn’t give up.”