Embarrassed by husband’s past
Dear Annie: My husband and I are alcoholics in recovery with multiple years of sobriety. We are in our 60s. When my husband was 17, he committed an act of violence that resulted in imprisonment. This act was in retaliation to someone who snitched on him for drug dealing.
My husband regularly talks about this part of his life in AA meetings. I am very embarrassed by this. I’ve talked to him about how this makes me feel, but he says it’s part of his story. I can understand that in some situations, his disclosure of his past would help people, such as men who are currently incarcerated. In conversations between the two of us, my husband will refer to his prison life with what seems like fond remembrance. This bothers me very much.
Am I being selfish and controlling in wanting him to stop talking about his prison life? I know that I cannot control him, but I wish he could just talk about his recovery. I’m thinking about going to different meetings so I won’t have to listen to him. Is that the best thing to do? — Another Annie
Dear Another Annie: I think that going to different meetings would be wise. It would allow each of you space to focus totally on your own recovery, without filtering it through the lens of your marriage. You might also benefit from attending Al-Anon meetings, in addition to Alcoholics Anonymous, to help sort through some additional baggage you may not even be aware you’ve been carrying. (I’ve heard good things about SMART Recovery and LifeRing, which also offer support for the loved ones of people with alcoholism.) Congratulations on your years of sobriety.
Dear Annie: The advice you gave to “Faithful in New Mexico,” the poor soul who has been in and out of the hospital and is now home recovering, was far off base. Her husband was ascended upon by two women wanting to “console” him during his wife’s health crisis. You said she should take solace in the fact that her husband was honest with her and he was furious that these women were so forward.
First off, he told his wife that she did not know these women. How does he know them? Why would he be pouring his heart out to other women about his wife, her health issues and the decline of their family home situation? Because he’s guilty! The reason he confessed to his wife was to make himself feel better. He either did act, wanted to or will. If it meant nothing, why tell her? He should have kept his mouth shut or told his wife who these women are. The fact that he is talking to these women about himself and his wife is a sure sign of guilt. Maybe it has not gone further, but it will in time.
I’m very independent. I was married at 37, had cancer at 48, had surgery and did treatments. My husband was “consoled.” How far he took it, I have no idea. He never breathed a word. I heard from another source. — D.P.
Dear D.P.: I’m so sorry that happened to you. You’re right that sometimes when partners bring up such things, it’s out of guilt. I hope that wasn’t the case for “Faithful in New Mexico” and her husband, but I’m printing your letter because it’s an astute point. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www. creators.com.