Never a breeze, parenting doesn’t have to be a battle
When it comes to the French, the phrase “je ne sais quoi” does not apply. It appears they do know how to make everything look chic and beautiful, from food and wine to fashion and film, even child rearing. Whereas, my parenting style screams, “I don’t know” — and is as far from effortless as we are from the moon.
I’ve just returned from my first visit in over two years to my relative’s home back East. It is such a treat to see nieces and nephews running around with my little ones. And just as curious as I am to see how the younger set is growing and maturing, our hosts are eager to see the budding personalities of my son and daughter.
And oh, how I wish we could have a do-over.
Like any parent, I want my children to be well-mannered and kind, especially in the company of others. As an etiquette consultant, the story about the cobbler’s children having no shoes rings true and may as well be our biography. There is an ability to lose all semblance of control in the presence of a mother. I don’t think one hour passed when I wasn’t giving a stern look or a repetitious and firm “No.”
After a ball went flying out of our son’s hands and knocked a wedding portrait off the mantle, I think I had reached my limit. Our son was too embarrassed to apologize, which embarrassed me. Kids will be kids and accidents happen, but his inability to acknowledge the mishap only highlighted how inept I felt at steering him right.
How could I teach hundreds of children over the years how to make eye contact, shake hands and start a conversation while my own children, who see my example regularly, become deer in the headlights.
I can see I need to step out of my own teachings for inspiration.
I am drawn back to a parenting book by an American living in Paris.
Bringing up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman highlights lessons learned by observing French parents. During my travels abroad, I’ve always been impressed by how well young children behave in public. Parents promenade hand in hand with their little ones down quaint European streets. Toddlers to tweens linger contentedly over a long meal at a restaurant. No tantrums or messes on the floor.
“The French have managed to be involved with their families without becoming obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this,” Druckerman says.
“For me, the evenings are for the parents,” one Parisian tells Druckerman. “My daughter can be with us if she wants, but it’s adult time.”
I saw this play out in real life while dining with local French friends. The mother, Helene, carried out hors d’oeuvres (a fabulous flaky pastry, of course), and her son made some display for attention. She calmly yet assertively told him, “I am going to sit outside with the adults. It’s grown-up time. You can be outside if you like.” And so he went outside and played by himself on the jungle gym while we conversed.
This observation piqued my interest, so I asked friends of mine, who have either been raised abroad or by foreign parents, to share a few of their secrets to raising independent and polite children.
Both Helene and Druckerman make clear that French children are supposed to be toddling around by themselves. “French parents want their kids to be stimulated, but not all the time,” writes Druckerman.
The message is a child should be able to entertain him- or herself with imagination and without attention or an audience.
One of my closest friends, raised in Zimbabwe says, “Bringing up Bébé reminds me that adult life does not stop just because you have kids. While growing up, dinners out were adult time although we were always included. Being in social settings with our parents was a reward itself. We were not bribed for good behavior; it was expected.”
A Portuguese mother said, “One thing that I remember about having kids in a foreign country is that the concept of baby-sitting isn’t very widespread. People take their children with them when going out for dinner or to the open-air plazas.”
Helene also stressed that her children do not snack throughout the day. Like author Druckerman discovered in France, Helene’s children have three meals a day and a snack around 4 p.m. The snack, often something sweet, may have been chosen by the child earlier in the day, giving him something to look forward to.
Another Portuguese friend explained it was very unusual to eat off schedule growing up. This explains why European children will sit patiently at a restaurant.
I’ve fallen into the snack trap, caving to requests throughout the day. Hence, when dinner time comes, he is not as hungry and cannot sit through the meal. A few additional tips from the book:
Children should say “hello,” “goodbye,” “please” and “thank you.” It helps them to learn that they aren’t the only ones with feelings and needs. It encourages them to be aware of their surroundings and make eye contact.
Remind them (and yourself ) who’s the boss. French parents say, “It’s me who decides.”
Don’t be afraid to say “no.” Kids have to learn how to cope with some frustration (just as we must learn to cope with them being frustrated).
Just as exercise routines plateau, our parenting techniques can make us feel like we’re stuck in a hamster wheel with poor results. It’s worth looking toward outside resources to change things up from time to time. Whatever method you choose, the goal of raising conscientious and kind children is c’est magnifique. Bizia Greene is an etiquette expert and owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to hello@etiquettesantafe.com or 505988-2070.